The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 459 times
Member Comments
Oh my! What an emotional story. It stirred all kinds of emotions within. Good job with this and I am so glad that young man had an "appointment" with his grandma. God bless~
Great story. I enjoyed the dialog between the friends, sounded just like a couple buddies talking.

The story itself is very sad, I felt sorry for the boys..especially knowing this kind of thing happens all the time..

Keep up the good work..
You did a great job with a tough topic. I could feel the pain of the MC.

You may want to double space between paragraphs to give the reader more white space. Also to help build the characters, instead of using tag lines like he said take that opportunity to describe what the speaker is doing. Tim crinkled his brow and his eyes dipped to the floor. would show the reader what the speaker is doing as well as identify who is speaking.

I really enjoyed the ending. I think the ticket taker would agonize over the decision to help the kid or call the police. You did a really nice job with this piece.
You can really tell a story well. My suggestion would be to watch your paragraph spacing to make it easier for the reader. Also watch the overuse of tag lines after a speaker says something. The reader, if you, as a writer, have done a good job with the characters, will know who is talking and and the emotional content of what is being said. Remember to always show and not tell what is going on in your story.
Great story! You kept me interested until the end.

You use alot of passive voice. Instead of 'there was', 'he was', etc., you might try stronger ones. For instance at the bus station:

'Inside a few weary people' instead of 'Inside there were'
and 'the busy midnight cleaning crew removed' instead. Just a suggestion because I noticed alot of was and were, etc.

Nicely done!