The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
I could definitely relate to the MC. Thankfully, my computer expert is my husband.

My only suggestion might be to work more on showing vs telling. To help me do more showing, I think could I tell this to someone over the phone or is it more like watching TV? For example in the beginning if you wrote more like: While hiking through the woods, a deer trots across the path. I whip my camera out; the whirr of the shutter halts the deer.
It may be a tad awkward but it definitely paints a picture for the reader.

You have an excellent sense of humor. The start was a little slow but by doing more showing itwould grab the reader's attention.

You definitely covered the topic perfectly. I think your sense of humor flowed nicely and was consistent throughout.

I think your ending was quite strong and left me with a feel good feeling.
Now this is a funny story. It's clear, it has a great message, and I think everyone can relate to it in some way. My children are much more adept at using computers than I am, and I love the idea of "renting" a grandson.

This story is great as it is. However, I do agree that more "showing" than telling would make it topnotch. In fact, it would make this story a riot.

Laughing with you.
Your title was a perfect fit for the article. Definitely caught my attention! "My hobby of photography" is a bit awkward and sounds better written as: "My photography hobby." I suggest you go easy on the quote marks; use italics instead. With some exceptions, quote marks are reserved for direct quotes as per the latter part of your piece.

I loved the computer consultant line, and you conclusion sparkled
Your conclusion....
This was enjoyable and a good fit for the topic. I liked the way you took my on the journey of the questions the upgrade asked you.

Keep writing - this was a good piece!
Well written, on topic.
Wow - this was so good! Nice job, and you were right on topic. The message at the end was uplifting. Thanks. God Bless~
Congratulations on your Highly Commended!
Congratulations on your win. God Bless you~