The Official Writing Challenge
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This is a good one. I actually started writing an article about this very topic, but ran out of time to finish. I'm glad you tackled the subject of eternity. Thanks.
This is very powerful. Well done.
I love the way you wrote two parallel stories and I was very happy that the narrator wasn't shut out of heaven. But do you think it would have been more powerful to leave out the last four paragraphs? I think you had already given the message.
I really like the comparison between the real-world checkout situation and the heavenly one.

I strongly suggest that writers avoid the "it was all a dream" scenario. It has been done to the point of becoming a writing cliche, and there are fresher ways to deal with resolving conflict.

This story shows that you are a writer with great promise.

This is a great story with a wonderful message.

I could feel my heart pounding. I wish it hadn't ended in a dream as many see that as an easy ending. Perhaps the good Samaritan could have told her that story or she could have found it in her mom's journals. Just a thought or two to avoid the dream cliche'.

However Jesus definitely does talk to us in dreams when we are quiet and more likely to hear him, so it still is an outstanding story that had me hanging onto every word.

Congratulations for placing 9th in level one!