The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/14/11
You have a lot going on in this story, which I hope is not part of your own experience.
If it is true, I don't wish to sound trivial in noting a couple of spelling errors: "blood chorusing," instead of "coursing," and being "paralelised with" instead of "paralysed" with fear.
You have also jumped a little with tenses, but you have still captured some deep emotions and questions in a very credible way.
This is lovely, I like how you showed how easy it is to trust_ as a child but gets harder as we grow. I like the scripture you paired it with as well.
04/20/11
great story and some gripping experiences described. I like the contrast between the child trust in the mother and the trust in God. I wondered if the second story was the child's when an adult but i was uncertain whether it was two separate examples of outbreak/trust. I think it would have been helpful if you could have linked this somehow. by just adding
when i grew and had my own child....or something like that.
having said that i repeat it is gripping writing and you have a gift for dramatic writing without making it too melodramatic always a difficult balance so well done!
04/22/11
Tiara, the beginning of this piece drew me in. I wanted to read more of that character. Then, you changed course and I was a bit lost. Each part stands well on its own with good descriptions. I liked the title and message you convey in here.
"One night with the weepings of a broken man I heard this verse, whispered across my soul."
I loved the emotional picture this sentence painted.

As I read it a second time the flow seemed better. Well done for entering and with a little touch up it would be excellent.