The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/05/10
:) Glad she had a good nose!

Some of your sentences seem a bit "wordy" and you could save yourself some words for the actual story if you condensed some of these part. For example, "yawned hugely before tottering to the bathroom with the zombie-like stride of one who's mostly asleep."
could be "...yawned and walked to the bathroom like a zombie." It brings up the same image, but saves you some words.

Good job, and keep writing!
I knew from your description it was the smell they put in natural gas or propane just for this very reason. But I was getting worried that she wouldn't discover it in time, especially when she started yawning in the kitchen. Great storytelling, you had me engrossed with the character and her well-being.
Congratulations for placing in the top 8 of your level.
CONGRATULATIONS on placing Ivykins!
Allison gave you some good advice but I have to say that you've got that "certain knack" for descriptions and you made me feel like I was in that house with Mary Ellen. I didn't get that it was the gas stove until you revealed it and then realized why she was so sleepy and yawning. Good Job Kiddo! :)
08/12/10
I love reading your work! You really have such talent. I thought this was very clever. Well done!