The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/09/08
Cute story!

A couple of quick notes on description: avoid cliches and try not to use the same adjectives too closely together (the electric energy description was good, but it popped up again just a couple of sentences later).

I love the bit at the end with your sister on the bike...a clever twist is always a welcome change!
05/10/08
Oh, sisters! She seemed so sweet and helpful, until she swiped that bike right under your nose!
I like all the dialogue and descriptions. Well done.