The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
02/22/08
You've made me see this proverb in a whole new way. I usually associate this saying with 'lighter' issues -- but this is very dark. You did a good job with the young boy's character -- I wish you had more words to further develop the story.

A couple typos that would probably be caught with another proofing.

Good job with putting the reader inside the MCs head.
02/22/08
Wrenching story.

Be careful of small errors, such as the "to" for "too" near the end.

This had some great moments, and your writing skills are quite evident.
02/22/08
A very good story!

Good beginning, gripping body, short (yet good) ending!

You should write a sequel!

All around, excellent story. Keep writing! ^-^
02/23/08
Your descriptions are vivid.

A few small errors, such as the Golden Gate Bridge is across San Francisco Bay, so the main character would not be in a lake.

Keep writing.
02/24/08
This is very sad but I know people are always choosing to end their lives. I'm glad you wrote a happy ending. Ask someone to proofread your work in the future. It's much easier for someone else to catch things than it is the writer. Thank you for sharing.
Laury
I think this is a good use of the saying and well covered. Typos they have a way of escaping when you are engrossed in what you are writing. Even a proof reader can miss them when they become engrossed.

Your tale will grip a reader and I can only say, "More! More!"
02/25/08
vivid and gripping:

"He remembered the blood; it had drizzled down his face and neck as if it

wouldnt stop. The bigger kids at school had done it. The most feared kid had

pulled out his pocket knife. All he could see was the blade in his face and

then there was the pain and never stopping tide of blood. All the while, his

girlfriend had just stood there and watched. She hated him, he knew it.

He reached up to his cheek and touched the raw wound. It had finally stopped

bleeding, but the terrible gash was still there. He couldnt let his family

and friends see him this way; he couldnt let it be a reminder of his

defeat."

"his girlfriend had just stood there and watched. She hated him, he knew it."

A good end!
Like to read More from you. : )

I too, Learn from all your Comments. Thank you.
Thanks for the tip Jan, I will keep these thing in mind when I write a story.


Enjoy and Keep in the Writing Lane.
God bless, Helen


Wow. This story gripped me and didn't let go until the very end. Keep on writing. You definitely have talent.
This started out very good, but it needs a little more to make it cover the topic. Keep working at it. There's a lot of potential here.