The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
02/21/08
Nice ending!

There are several places where you're missing commas to set off the name of a person being addressed. At one point, it causes some confusion, where she says...

"It's me Renee...it's your sister Claudia." It seems as if her name is both Renee and Claudia. Consider this:

"It's me, Renee...it's your sister, Claudia." As a rule of thumb, when a person is being addressed in a direct quote, separate their name out with a comma.

I love the idea that her disease was one of the spirit, not the body. Excellent.
Nice title. Unfortunately, many families go through difficulties of the type you have written about. Glad this story found peace. :)
You really nailed the effects of unforgiveness and bitterness, which always hurt us as much, or more, than their object.
The only thing I wasn't clear on was whether Claudia was referring to Renee's children, or another sibling's. If Renee's, wouldn't they be inclined to follow their mother's example? Or was Claudia asking Renee to care for her own, Claudia's children, in such a way as they did not follow Claudia's example?
Just me over thinking things again. :-)
02/22/08
Wow, this story brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing this touching story on the power of love and forgiveness. God bless :)
02/22/08
Wow! You surprised me! I had other guesses of why she was in the hospital.
Good use of dialogue. I like the interaction between them.
Good ending. Good writing.
Keep it up.
Oh yes, bitterness is certainly a debilitating disease... as deadly as cancer sometimes. You have done a great job on this. I'm so glad the sisters were reconciled. You moved me along with the story. Very well done.
02/25/08
Beautiful ending--your gospel message shines through. You've done a great job comparing the sickness to jealoury and bitterness and to poison. There are a lot of lessons that can be learned from your writing. Nice work on this.
02/26/08
Your ending gave me warm goose bumps. What a terrific message.
02/27/08
This is a beautiful story. The little details in the description brought the women to life. You filled in the past without dwelling on it. You kept the story moving and you had a great lesson. Well done! I like this one.

A little red ink: “Please sit down” Claudia said as she placed her bony hand onto her sisters. <-- use 'sister's' to show that it was her sister's hand, not the plural sisters.
02/27/08
Very good, Josh. I love the lessons to be learned in this piece! Thank you so much for sharing! Keep on writing, sir. You show great promise!
Laury
02/27/08
Excellent story! I love how you made the dying sister focus entirely on her bitterness and the "death" it caused instead of on her physical problems. I love this line... being bitter is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person will die.
So powerful and so true! I liked the line where she said it was like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. I'm glad that that diease was 'cured'. You did well with the characters of the two sisters. ^_^
Confession is indeed good for the soul...and here you have it as a death-bed confession...which couldn't have been more perfect for the story you are telling. Great way to deliver your message.
Great storytelling her, I felt for both sisters and smiled at the ending, thanks.
This is a lovely story with a wonderful ending. Good job.
You illustrated the truth about bitterness very well. It is a disease but easily healed with the love of Christ. Good story and well written.
Great story. It's so true how bitterness could destroy the soul and then the body. Nicely done.
Hi there,
Have just read this story of yours. It is so beautiful. I was very moved. You certainly have a wonderful way of putting the gospel across in your writing.
Blessings,
Norms