The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
02/01/08
Ouch, that would hurt! The guy was really pursuasive, though.

You have some spots in need of editing, particularly in punctuation and capitalization, and a little bit of tense switching near the end.

Your title drew me in--good job.
02/01/08
Well, I can't imagine having $50,000 to lose in the first place! Good story telling. In the future, you don't need to use tags like you did, such as, he said. It makes it read like an old Dick and Jane book. I would suggest reading entries from masters or advanced to see how others handle this. That's how I've learned so much, that and comments like this! Keep on writing!
Laury
Yeouch! To lose 50k, that's quite a bit, again, ouch! You made it seem pretty real though, the ending was a little choppy, don't forget to use "?" when asking a question, it shows a little more than tells, like when his mouth fell open, I could see that happening because you'd set up wonderfully for it. Short and sweet. Good job. ^_^