The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Excellent writing. Loved it. You kept my attention with the authentic voice of experience. A+ :0)
You brought tears to my eyes.
No fair! You made me cry and I didn't even see it coming. This was some amazing writing! Great job!
Great job, Temple! I really like your title, too.
This is just excellent, Temple. Your descriptions are so vivid and your characterizations strong. I was absolutely engaged and enraptured in this very, very compelling story.
Excellent job, Temple. You just keep getting better. I liked your lead sentence with the time. It set the tone with just a few words. God bless.
Excellent story telling, vivid descriptions, and colorful characters. Fantastic piece, thank you :)
You have so many wonderful phrases here--"her angst dripped..." "Payne's jaw buckled..." were just a few that leaped out at me.

My only suggestion would be to double-check your use of semi-colons when a comma or dash would be more appropriate.

This was raw, moving, powerful. One of the best on this level.
level 1? "Not for much longer" me thinks. Excellent.
From the comments on this Entry, it doesn't look like you need any more encouragement; however, I've got to add: - "Absolutely a Masterpiece!" Sensational writing, on topic, emotion-wise, Awesome! You had this reader glued from start to finish! Tears flowing...I say a heartfelt "Thanks" for a great Read!! Make that Triple Kudos!!!
I loved this part:
Before Patty could reply, the group burst through the doors. They swooped around Payne, taking turns hugging and kissing her stiff form. Gradually, while the group talked and laughed, Payne began to thaw. Ignoring its bandage, John held her hand, relaxing into the sofa. And he began to grin.

Moving stuff.
Wow. I could see Payne and the group as they swarmed her. Good job!
Oooh! This is one of my favorites of yours! First off, I love the emotion here. It is so REAL! The ending was my favorite, I love the piece with returning the goodbye kiss. That showed some of her personality. Great writing!
This was so moving, one of the best this week--on any level.
Payne is a apt name for the main character: Your writing demonstrated her pain perfectly! This story brings the gospel 'home'! Thanks for sharing.
Your story was riviting, raw, and just awesome. It brought tears to my eyes and touched my heart. You grabbed my attention and kept it till the last sentence. Awesome writing!
This is such a haunting entry. I could feel her cheek against the cold floor and the trembling of her frightened husband. It's so true to life, it made me sad! I think you've captured the true meaning of fellowship and love in the church. How I wish this were demonstrated in many church families. It's a beautiful, poignant story.
***Congrats on your highly commended!***
Oh, my, you've moved me to tears! Excellent writing, beautiful, Spirit filled. Lines like this: "Her angst dripped on the floor." give your writing power.

Red Pen: "common room for visiting hours; one to be exact." One hour or one visitor? I thought it was hour til I kept reading; now I'm not sure. "what it is; a jail." - semicolon should be a colon. "doctors visits; always" and "Sunday night; because" - semicolons should be commas.

VERY GOOD - congrats on your Highly Commended!