The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
09/03/07
There are so many people in this awful situation.

I would like to have felt his anguish a bit more. You need more showing instead of telling. Let me feel his tense muscles, let me jump when he jumps. Give me a sense of urgency.

This is a wonderful piece.

I so can relate--I hate not answering the phone. I think this could use a little expansion, but overall a very well written story. God Bless!
You've captured what a lot of people don't know about men...they really do worry and stress, just more quietly than women usually.

The focus on the muscles went a little overboard, and a clearer tie-in could have been made to the friend's phone call. How did the friend's phone call affect the man? Positively or negatively? Either way, anxiousness and stress over finances is very real. Good job capturing it!