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TITLE: Magnify The Lord
By Carol Shaffron
07/30/07
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Some days are like that!

But this was going on far too long. It wasn't just a day or two here or there. Kitty's son moved clear across the country and she wasn't happy. Ben and she had been very close when he was a child. Kitty home schooled Ben and he never questioned her. They spent many happy hours together being carefree and enjoying life. Though Kitty found it extremely difficult to keep a job because she had a problem with authority figures, she was very bright and wrote all of her son's curriculum. When Ben did enter public school in the sixth grade he was at the top of his class, and that made Kitty very proud both of Ben and of herself. Not everyone was agreeable to her home schooling him. But she knew that's what she needed to do, and she stuck to her guns!

Ben was the sunshine of her life and now he was so far away.

The sadness just wouldn't leave, and she couldn't shake it. Day after day passed; the heaviness continued to get heavier and heavier. Kitty tried to praise God, but the praises seemed to mock her. Some days Kitty didn't even feel like getting out of bed, and she didn't bother.

Ben's dad deserted them before Ben was born. He never married Kitty and that had compounded the sense of worthlessness that pervaded her spirit and soul. She couldn't remember ever having felt really loved until Ben. He changed that at least while he was a baby and still a young boy.

Of course he had to go on and live his own life, but to move clear across the country. Kitty cried when Ben told her of his plans and he got that helpless look on his face and asked, "What am I supposed to do? I have a job offer that's going to pay me more than I can make here."

It wasn't until he told her that a former classmate had a dance studio near where he was moving that Kitty felt better about Ben's move. Still it didn't help her get over her missing him and her sadness.

Finally Kitty realized she had to make an appointment at the Mental Health Center before, well, before this heaviness and despair swallowed her whole or she succumbed to the subtle thoughts of suicide. She'd always been able to resist before, but now it seemed Ben had deserted and abandoned her too! Anger arose in her and the thoughts really made sense. "No one really cares not even Ben anymore."

Kitty's hurting emotions played scenarios of cleaning her tiny house and making arrangements at the mortuary. She began planning to give everything away.

She kept her appointment at the mental health center and received a diagnoses: clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder. Not the first time! In fact wasn't this the third or fourth time since ..

Gosh, when was the first time? But then everything seemed to get better and she just pulled herself together and well, she did have Ben to live for then.

Kitty's childhood was chaotic. Her parents were good people, but they fought all the time. It was so bad that Kitty went home with classmates after school to escape. She remembered trying so hard to "behave" to avoid being punished, but nothing she did ever made a bit of difference. Mother seemed to find some reason to punish her no matter how hard she tried to please. One day she decided just not to bother trying anymore.

Ben was ten months old when she bought a used TV. She heard on TV that God loved her. Something within her grew very excited then, but she’d heard that now for years and the feelings inside never changed. In fact it seemed that it was much worse!

Finally, Kitty couldn’t take anymore. Falling to her knees she cried out to God with all of her heart, “God have mercy on me, please. I cannot do this anymore.” Strangely, she felt just slightly better, not much, but something changed and she knew it. Kitty began telling God ‘and her soul’, You are my life, God. You are my strength. Every day she made it a point to tell God He was her life, and eventually the heaviness lifted and the sun shone in. Her sadness was no longer able to keep her prisoner for she had decided it would no longer be her focus.

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