The Official Writing Challenge
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A good story for young teens to read.

I was unclear of the age of your narrator; he seemed sometimes to be quite young, and others perhaps teenaged. Perhaps some clarification there? And watch your tenses.

The scene in the store was exciting and tense--good job!
Nice story. I enjoyed the early dialouge, but would have liked to know more about who was talking. Also, I think there were some places where words were left out. It was an adventure! Thank you.