TITLE: I Want What I Want
By Justina Page
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I Want What I Want
I am a firm believer that God deals with us according to our distinct personalities. I happen to have a very complex personality. I am very outgoing, compassionate, project oriented person. When I set my mind on something – it is as good as done. Even when it is not necessary that it gets done. Humor plays a lead role in my life. God is not afraid to use humor to reach me even in the most difficult situations.
My family was making one of its first social re-entry outings after our tragic house fire. I was badly burned and my hands were severely injured and in splints. Most people stay at home in my state but not me. I had spent an entire day at Baybrook Mall batting off stares and defending my twin who had suffered facial burns. Nevertheless, our family had a wonderful day. As much as I hate to admit it, I am a Walmart addict. It’s a shopaholic’s dream world especially if your money is limited. As we were heading home I asked my husband if he would mind stopping by Walmart. If you don’t want the honest truth, it is not advisable to ask my husband. His answer was quick – “no.”
I went on pressing my case, “But we need trash bags and some other things.”
He was not deterred, “It is 9pm and the kids need to get home and so do you.”
The pouting began in full force, “I feel fine and can finally do something on my own. I just wanted to have a few more minutes of freedom.”
He compromised, “Okay, but I am not going in.”
I was shocked, “But how am I going to get the things I need with the splints on?”
He threw my words back at me, “You can finally do something on your own – right?”
I was instantly angry. Now I had to prove myself to him of all people. I told him I would be just fine and that Jonathon, Joseph, & Caleb could help me. I maneuvered my way out of the front seat and hollered for the boys to follow. My pace was slow and steady yet I noticed the boys were drifting further and further back. I glanced over my shoulder and hollered for them to keep up. The gap between me and them was widening.
I whirled around and asked them in a sarcastic voice, “Is something wrong? Is it hard to keep up with me as fast as I am?”
It was as if they were intentionally trying to keep a yard distance between us. The looks on their faces weren’t quite right. Caleb looked as if he had seen a ghost. Jonathon looked totally disturbed. And Joseph – his Father’s son both in mind and spirit – looked oblivious to everything – lost in his own world. I couldn’t take it any longer.
“What is the problem?” I asked in an irritated voice. Caleb immediately covered his eyes. Jonathon opened his mouth to speak but the audible words were frozen.
Joseph looked me directly in my eyes and said in a matter of fact tone, “Well actually Mom, your behind is showing.”
I was mortified. Obviously, in my determination to get out of the car on my own, my skirt and slip had got tangled and caught in the top and I was bearing my underwear to the unfortunate Walmart shoppers behind me.
Before I could get my composure, the flow of tears had begun. Jonathon immediately hugged me and said. “I’m sorry Mother.” Caleb wasn’t sure what to do. And Joseph – like Father like son- looked as if he didn’t understand what the problem was. I told them that Mother was going to turn around and asked if they would please pull Mother’s skirt down. Jonathon and Joseph shook their heads yes but Caleb was having no part in it. They covered my shame and of course my desire to shop had vanished. We went straight to the car, got in, and road home in complete silence. My husband knew something was wrong by the silent flow of tears slipping down my face but wisely decided to ask me in private when we got home. It was two weeks before humiliation had run its full course and I even had a desire to make any social appearances. Talk about your self –esteem taking a beating.
At the end of the day my stubborness proved to be my worst enemy. I could have submitted myself and had a peaceful evening with the family with my dignity in tact. Instead I was humiliated and never got anything of the things I was seeking after. That episode showed me how much I have heard and not received James 1:19-20. "Wherefore my beloved brethern, let every man be swift to hear,slow to speak, slow to wrath. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God." KJV Now I listen. What my husband spoke was wisdom. My ears were clogged by the beating of my own will. I felt like Jacob when the angel touched his thigh. I was slowed down. I am still extremely wilful. But, I have learned to shut my mouth, listen, and allow God to choose my direction.
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