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Making Sense of My Reality as a Schizophrenic Using Philosophy and Christian Metaphysics
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Because of My schizophrenia I often question reality. I question whether reality is real or if I am in hell, or if I am living in a “fake” reality. The reason I experience this questioning of reality is because of two things: The first thing is that I see what I perceive to be demons and Satan appearing to me in human form. This can be scary because for a person to continually and wholly perceive to see Satan appear to he/she in human form can be terrifying and make me question what reality I’m in, or if I died and went to hell and don’t know it yet. The second reason I question my reality is because of the pain I’ve suffered. I’ve suffered so much pain that I now have ptsd that is so extreme I do not know what reality I am in half the time. Thankfully praying to, relying on, and loving Christ helps to ground me and realize I am still on earth. I know though that these fears are not biblical.
Studying Christian philosophy has helped me because it has showed me that if I perceive myself to be alive in a first-person sense, and if I’m continually experiencing at least some reality, then I must not be in hell. Hell is the complete absence of life it is death, and it is a tortrure-like reality where I believe experience is so torturous moment to moment where it is almost as if reality itself is caving in on oneself. In my opinion it is that sad feeling of God and the wrath of God falling in on and caving in on someones self. I don’t know how biblical that hypothesis is but despite the pain and delusions I have with my schizophrenia I don’t feel the entirety of the wrath of God and God himself caving in on me making me suffer. I experience suffering, but some part of me deep in my soul, and conscience knows the suffering is from the world and from Satan; and that gives me relief because I know I’m not in hell.
Also I experience joy and If I’m experiencing joy which is a fruit and gift of The Holy Spirit and if I'm experiencing it then that must mean I am not in hell, or some other hellish reality where Christ, God, Or The Holy Spirit can’t reach me. I know at least one truth with regards to this if I’m to think abstractly: I exist in a reality where The Holy Spirit is reaching me, because I am able to feel joy; one of The Holy Spirit’s fruits and gifts. Wherever I am in this universe with schizophrenia, The Holy Spirit is reaching out to me and loving me. And if The Holy Spirit is reaching out to me and loving me, then by faith Jesus and The Father our reaching out to me and loving me as well. I am safely in the arms of The Holy Spirit, Jesus, and The Father.
Any reality where I can feel the touch, love, and joy of The Holy Spirit must not be fake, or be some alternate fake dimension. Hell is a place where the joy of The Holy Spirit cannot be felt at all. And hell is not a fake reality, it is a real reality.
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