My thoughts were a jumble as I stood
one foot in front of the other, step by step
away from the latest new destruction of my life
another “We’re so sorry”
My disappointment with God was keen and ripping
“I guess I can’t really trust You, can I?”
My emotions shut down through the hallway, inch by inch
The oh-so-familiar sense of being ‘less than’ set in
Another fake smile
must, must suppress.
Keep it together long enough to get home
--home and safe—
One car length at a time, minute by minute
away from the loss and the fear and the dread
It has happened, it is real,
Through the door, close the blinds, mid-day gloom,
one task after another, bit by bit
Until I can crawl into my bed,
pull the covers over my head
and think about the core problem here—
Another time I shouldn’t have trusted Him
What’s the point of my life, anyway, if all I do
is fail and lose and fail again?
Why seek a new job, why try at all,
Another job search
What’s the point of trying, of living, of trusting?
Thoughts aligned, rearranged, point by point
Away from the consuming anger,
the fear, the self pity for a moment
while it crystallized, took shape, shook off the rust:
The point of trust is to come to a point of trust.
Not the outcome, not the result, not the happily ever after
--These are not promised for me or anyone--
What happens next month or through the years stride by stride
is less important than continually living
at the point of trust.