Humor

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Lord, You said You're coming back for a church without spot or wrinkle. Oh no! I just looked in the mirror and found a new wrinkle. Please hurry. Do I need a face lift? No?


Help Lord!


I NEED A FAITH Lift!



Patchwork Proverbs to
Brighten Your Day


By award-winning Faith Writer H L Ford




Yes, we know the verse in Revelation, which forbids adding to or taking away from the words of “this book of prophecy.”
This light-laced, power-packed dialogue does not in any way attempt to change the truth of God's word, which we wholly venerate and respect.
Instead, unlike Serious Solomon, we lighten our loads with a little laughter and love the Lord Jesus, “the Greater than Solomon” whose eternal truths are the foundation of a blessed life.

Patchwork Proverbs are from H L Ford's prayer journal.


Introduction

Father, I need a little encouragement here. Some days I feel like giving up.

Child, have you read what king David did when he was greatly distressed. He encouraged himself in the Lord. He never gave up (I Samuel 30:6). Remember Noah didn't give up. Abraham didn't give up. Neither did Joseph or Samson.
Do you remember Effel Bar-Effel?

No. Who's he?

He is one who gave up. That's why you don't remember him.

Goodness and Mercy Please?

Father, could You please assign me two angels with the names Goodness and Mercy instead of Disappointment and Discouragement?
I never assign Disappointment and Discouragement. However you do get Patience and Endurance to perfect your faith (James 1: 3-4).

Arrrgh! Couldn't You please just grant me perfect faith?
You cannot pray for faith. Faith comes by hearing my Word. You cannot have faith in My word if you don't know what it says. (Romans 10:17)

Lord what did you mean when you said the flesh profits nothing?
I am the Word, the true Bread come down from heaven. You must eat my word and not my flesh in order to build faith muscle (John 6:58-63).

Okay, I'm reading Lord, but I don't always understand Your word.
Child, that's why I gave you the Holy Spirit as your teacher and guide. Ask Him to reveal my word to you for each day in your season of life. (See John, 14-15).

Your word says strong meat is not for newborn babes in Christ. Couldn't I just enjoy the milk and honey? Maybe with some coffee and donuts?
Newborn babes need the sincere milk of the word. Strong meat belongs to them of full age. Are you still a baby?

Okay, Lord. Strong meat it is. Do I have to read all the “begats” too?

Am I Lying?
My pastor says I should say what God says about me—that I am the righteousness of God in Christ. At times I act just the opposite, and it's hard to believe those words. I feel like I'm lying.
Child, how can you be lying when you are speaking My words? (II Corinthians 5:21).

Lord, is it true that we have what we say, even if it's bad?
Yes, it's true. Grumblers get more of the very same things they keep on complaining about (Numbers chapter 14 and especially verses 28-29).

If I fill up on Your word, will I be strong enough to fight the enemy, or will you do it for me?
There is a time when the battle is mine, child. However I have not equipped you with full armor and the most powerful weapon in the universe--the sword of the spirit—so you can just sit down and watch TV (Ephesians 6:17).

Lord, when I get this armor on and pull down my face shield, will the enemy recognize me?
Child, he won't know if it's you or Jesus. But remember this: the sword is not effective until you speak it out of your mouth from a heart of faith (Romans 10:8-9; Mark 11: 23-24).

What am I supposed to be speaking?
My people must learn what this prophet says: “I can't say whatever I please. I must speak only what God puts in my mouth,” (Numbers 22:38). My words are spirit and life and health to all your flesh. Speak life and health over your family.
Is Marriage Made in Heaven?

Father, I'm praying for my husband today. Have You noticed the husband you gave me has a few defects?
Of course Child. I said Adam needed a help mate (Gen. 2:18). All men need HELP. Some more than others.

I know you said it's not good for man to be alone—but honestly Lord, sometimes it's a blessed relief.
The two of us are supposed to become one. The problem starts when we can't decide which one of us to be?
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord, (Eph. 5: 22-23)

Why is it that my husband and I can irritate each other so at times? Help, Lord, I need an anointing oil job before I start to screech.
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another (Prov. 17:17) and sometimes the sparks just fly.

You gave us a new commandment—to love one another. What is Your definition of Love, Father?
I so loved the world that I gave my only begotten son that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.

I see. Love is not just an emotional thing. I see also I can give without loving, but I cannot love without giving. Father, will you show me one loving gift I can give to my husband today?

Okay, leave him alone.

But Lord, You don't understand. Being unequally yoked is no laughing matter, especially when the yoke's on me. Will you please change my husband? He wants to go a different way.
I will start by changing you.

Me? What's wrong with me? Father, You'd be so impressed if You only listened to my prayers of dedication and adoration. . . oh, I see. I'm not your advisor. And I don't have to be in control when I know the ONE who is. But please, just remind my husband that it's not really him either, okay Lord?

Can Words Make Mountains Go?

Lord, there are so many voices in the world today. How do I hear Your voice?
Tune out for a tune up.
Man shall not live by television alone. Depending on what he watches, he's more likely to die by it. Words are seeds and they produce a harvest of like results just as natural seeds produce. (Genesis 1:11,12; Numbers 14:28; Matthew 13: 18l I Samuel 17: 46).

Father, You said life and death are in the power of the tongue. Are my words really that powerful? Can I really speak to the mountain (the problem) and cause it to be cast into the sea?
The mountain (problem) got there by words. My word spoken from the mouth of a believer will make it go (Genesis chapter 1 and Mark 11: 23-24).

Father I want to understand this “confession” thing. When people ask me, should I be speaking my doctor's diagnosis, or should I be saying, “By His stripes I am healed,” even though the illness is still there in my body?

You don't deny symptoms. However, what is temporary does not change what is eternal. My people are saying what they have instead of having what they say (Mark 11: 23-24). To loose healing from heaven, you must declare what my word says—by Jesus' stripes you are healed (Galatians 3:13).

It's kinda hard to walk by faith and not by sight when I see the circumstances that are not lining up with Your word in Galatians. If I still have aches and pains. How can I believe I am healed?
Faith is evidence of what is NOT SEEN. My Light struck Paul blind and only then could he really see. You have to lose your natural sight also in order to see by faith with spiritual eyes (Isaiah 42:20; II Corinthians 5:7, Romans 4:19).

Help Lord. Your word is incorruptible seed. It has been several weeks now since I've been saying I believe I receive. Why am I not seeing it bear fruit?
Be certain you have not left a door open to the enemy, such as unforgiveness or double mindedness. The fruit does not appear overnight. An instant result is a miracle. A healing is gradual. Often, the planted seed in the good soil of the heart has to be watered and nurtured in order to bear a harvest for healing. (Matthew 13: 18-23).

So if the enemy tells me that I'm sick, and I'm guilty and not worthy of Your blessings, what do I do?
A lie has no power in your life unless you act like it is so. Neither does the TRUTH (Romans 8:1). If you believe you are healed, get up and act like it.

Let's change the subject a minute Father. If no man can tame his own tongue then I'm in big trouble.
Child, A man can tame a lion, but it takes the Holy Spirit to tame a man's tongue. Ask Him to set a watch at the door of your mouth ((James 3:8; Psalm 141:3).

Lord, I want to be honest enough to confess all four of my shortcomings. All fourteen. Okay, Lord, all 4000 of them (I John 1:9). Lord, I sometimes stretch the truth a little. Please deliver me from a deceitful tongue.
I desire truth in your inmost being (Psalm 51:6). Liars soon get caught in their own mouth traps.

Maybe I need some new running shoes. Sometimes I flee from temptation, and sometimes I only crawl away.
It's very difficult to get trapped into sin if you are running away (II Timothy 2:22).

The Devil Made Me Do It!

Some healthy foods don't taste all that great. When I was a youngster, I discovered that my dog didn't like to eat broccoli either. But I know that just because it looks good, some foods are limited if I want to stay healthy. Lord, the devil made Eve eat that forbidden fruit. He made me eat that chocolate cake too, right?
Child, the devil didn't make you do anything. He just showed you how (I John 2: 16).

Okay, moving right along . . . Father I am Your creation. Do I need to join the church to be Your child?
Child, you don't join the family of God. You are born of the Spirit into it (John 3:3 and the rest of that chapter is really good too). Then and only then are you are my child.

I see. You formed me in Your image, God. The devil conformed me to his. Jesus is transforming me into His likeness, but it's sometimes painful. . . and sometimes it's downright tribulating.
Tribulation is not in the world to overcome you, but for you to overcome (Revelation 12:11).

But I have so many duties Father.
When you are bearing fruit beyond the call of duty, the branches start to droop. Chop them off, or I will do it (John 15:2).
Chop them off? I see. I'm pruned if I do and pruned if I don't. (--Joyce Meyer).

You told me to forgive, to love my enemies, to do good to those who despitefully use me. Help Lord. It's not easy, but I don't want to be like those who shipwreck their faith (I Tim. 1:19).
When I give you instructions, follow them completely. What if Noah had failed to follow a single detail of my instructions for building the Ark? (Genesis 6: 14-18).

Okay. Gerty May has treated me badly. Ever since I heard she has that nasty flu bug that's going around, I've been praying and praying . . . that I won't get it too!
Pray for one another that you may be healed (James 5:16).

But Lord, she says bad things about me. She's really a pain in the neck.
Live so that no one will believe what she says. Just because you have a pain doesn't mean you have to be one.

Adam's Pants

Lord, what do the angels say to You when You sneeze? Just plain old bless you?
There is perfect health in heaven. My will has always been for perfect health on earth as it is in Heaven. Adam and Eve were not created to be sick. Why do you think Adam lived 930 years? (Genesis 5:5).

I always wondered about this, Lord. You said Adam would die on the day he ate the forbidden fruit. Were you just kidding?
He did die but not a physical death, which is separation of the soul from the body. Spiritual death is separation of the spirit from God Who is the Life-Giving Spirit. Adam's sin separated him from Me. All Adam's children are born spiritually dead. That's why your spirit must be born again. (Ephesians 4: 18; Romans 5: 12-21; John 3:1-21).

Father, I know what I'm wearing, and I know what I'm not wearing. How come Adam and Eve didn't know they were naked?
They were clothed with garments of light reflecting My glory until they sinned (Isa. 61:10; Psalm 8:5; Proverbs 31: 25).
Wow! O Lord my God, you are very great; You are clothed with splendor and majesty. You wrap Yourself in light as with a garment. ( Psalm 104: 1-2)

So they lost their garments of righteousness. That's why they had to cover themselves with fig leaves! I heard that Adam and Eve had their first quarrel over dinner. She kept putting his pants in the salad.
Nakedness is always a symbol for sin (Revelation 16:15). I made them garments of skin to cover their sin. This was the first death and blood to be shed in the world, and it points to the blood of the perfect Lamb which alone can wash away all sin (Genesis 3: 21).

Father, what do I wear in order to go to the Wedding Supper of The Lamb?
White robes are for those who wash them in the blood of the Lamb (Matthew 22: 1-14; Rev. 7:9-14).

What if my grandfather forgets to bring his false teeth?
Teeth will be provided. Hair too (Luke 21:18) Not one hair of your head will be lost ( Luke 21:18).

Lord, are parents always to blame for their children's poor life-choices? What did I do wrong when my child made such a wrong choice?
What did I do wrong that my first son Adam made such a poor choice?

Tell if I'm wrong, but I think Adam's first mistake was not using his authority to cast that creeping serpent out of the garden.
I gave Adam dominion over every creature on earth and every creeping thing (Genesis 1:26). He had authority over that creep and failed to use it. Learn what your realm of authority is.

When our spirits are re-created in Your image, do we have any authority over the prince of this world?
Behold, I give unto you power (authority) to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over ALL the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you (Psalm 91 and Luke 10: 19, 20).

So if I don't learn to use my authority in Jesus, what happens?
What happens to a soldier who wanders into enemy territory unknowingly? Does the enemy cease to fire at him? Will his General fire his gun at the enemy for him?

Marvels

I marvel at the beauty of Your creation. The flowers, the stars, the reflection of clouds on the water. Lord, what do You find to marvel at most?
I marvel at the hardness of unbelieving hearts (Mark 6: -6).

Father it breaks my heart that You have to seek those who will worship You in spirit and in truth.
Wherever two or three are gathered together . . . usually that's about it.

Help Lord! I cannot crucify my own flesh. As soon as I get one hand nailed to the cross, the other is still free.
The Holy Spirit is there to help you. My strength is made perfect in your weakness. (Corinthians 12:9).

I see. When You step in and do what I can't do in my own strength, all the glory and honor goes to You alone.
It is not your works that you should boast about. (Ephesians 2:8-9; John 6:63). Let Me do the work through You.
Super Big Stuff?

Father, those people who think they know everything about the Bible are annoying to those of us who do.
Be a doer of the word. You don't know much until you are doing it. Works of faith always follow salvation (Ephesians 2:10).

In my Sunday school class, a grieving father shook his fist at heaven and shouted, “Where were you on the day my son died?” How did you answer him, Lord?
The same place I was on the day My Son died.

That same man said he could never forgive the people who caused his son's death. Immediately, these words came out of my mouth: “We killed God's Son, and He forgave us.”
You must forgive or your heavenly Father will not forgive you (Matthew 6:15).

Lord, I know You spoke through me to that man in church. Those words of wisdom didn't come from me. Am I super big stuff now?
Just because I choose to speak through someone doesn't make her super big stuff. After all, I spoke through Balaam's donkey once.

If I'm ever headed in the wrong direction, Lord please send a talking donkey to speak to me before the angel has to kill me to stop me! (Numbers 22:21-39).

I read how Samson was the slayer of men with the jawbone of an ass. Please help me never to do the same thing. Instead, let me use my jawbone to minister words of life and not death. (By the way, did that jawbone happen to come from Balaam's talking donkey?)
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt so that you know how to answer any man (Colossians 4: 6).
While Waiting . . .?

If ever I find my lot in life located in Sodom, please give me sense enough to move before the angels have to come and tell me to get out. Help Jesus! I think it's time to move already. Are You coming soon?
Only the Father knows. But when I come again, it will happen suddenly (Matthew 24: 36; Revelation 22:12-14).

Speaking of lots, could I move to one with a mile of white sandy beaches?
Unless I say move, you must learn to be content, like Paul, in whatever circumstances you find you are in (Philippians 4: 11-13).
Okay, just thought I'd ask.

Lord, so many people seem to be prisoners of their past.
I WAS, I AM, and I AM TO COME. Don't dwell on dead issues of yesterday. It is today that matters. Don't worry about tomorrow. I am already there (II Cor. 6:2; Revelation 1:18).

If time is not on a linear continuum in eternity, how do the drummers keep rhythm for heaven's musicians?
Wait and see. I cannot be surprised, however I love to surprise my children (Matthew 7:11-12).

Father, I know You have no answering machines, but sometimes it seems You do put me on hold. So what do I do while I wait?
Wait joyfully even in the midst of trials or tribulation (Isa. 40:29; Psa. 138: 7-8).

You mean I have to tribulate and be cheerful at the same time? That makes as much sense as dying if I want to live, or giving if I want to receive. Are we on the same page Lord?
Joy is not the absence of troubles. You are never going to have perfect circumstances this side of heaven, so why let that rob you of good cheer? Let not your heart be troubled. (John 14:27)

Father, I confess that I let the cares of this world choke out the Word today. What do I do now?
Let the Word choke out worldly cares.

God, I sometimes can't help but wonder what You are doing about all the suffering in the world today?
I created you (Matthew chapter 5).

But Lord. How can I bear another's burdens when I have enough of my own to bear?
Guess you forgot to cast them on me, huh? (Galatians 6:2).


What To Do About Fear

Lord, I'm sure glad You said heaven and earth will pass away, but your word remains forever. So when the baby has a gassy tummy I know this too shall pass.

You always tell me to fear not. But Lord, many fearful things do happen in this world. How do I handle my fears?
Cast down imaginations which show you bad things. Focus on My word instead and I will keep you in perfect peace, no matter how severe the storm (II Corinthians 10:5; Isaiah 26:3).

But Lord, the wind and the waves are real out there on the lake. Couldn't I just stay in the harbor?
Child, the ship is safe in the harbor, but that is not what ships are built for (Luke 5:4).

Help Lord, today I feel like I'm sinking! I know Jesus is with me always, but sometimes it seems that He's just sleeping in the boat.
Did Jesus say, “let us go halfway over and then sink?” No. He said, “Let us go over to the other side.” When Jesus speaks, you are going over, no matter how strong the storm (Luke 8; 22).

Food That Satisfies

Lord I Know You said man shall not live by bread alone. I'd like some spaghetti and meatballs to go with that bread. Is gluttony really a sin? Lord, this tastes so good. Can I have one more?
Leave it before you no longer have a choice. The flesh is never satisfied. Instead, eat a balanced diet of spirit food. My Son is the true bread of heaven, the milk, and meat of the Word, and even the honey (Psalm 119: 103; Hebrews 5: 12-14).

Lord, I showed great control by resisting those chocolates. Uh oh. Now I'm guilty of pride!
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom (Proverbs 11:2).

What does it mean to rightly divide the word?
My word has instructions for body, soul, and spirit and layers of meaning: literal, symbolic, prophetic, and even application specifically for your personal life. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you spiritual manna for one day at a time.

So when you made a garment of animal skins for Adam, he needed more than just physical covering.
Adam's story has four layers. It shows both his physical need for clothes and his spiritual need for forgiveness (without the shedding of blood there is no remission of sin). It is also a prophecy that I would send My Son to wash away all sin, because the blood of animals only covers but does not cleanse or pay the full penalty. The fourth meaning is a personal application is for you to look to Jesus as your redeemer.

Eve didn't really eat an apple did she? It was the knowledge of good and evil. But what is that?
Evil is the lie Satan told her that My Word is not to be trusted. Sin has its basis in that lie.
Seek First the Giver (Psalm 103: 1-3)

I'm puzzled, Jesus. Why did you instruct the leper not to tell anyone that You healed him?
I want people to seek the Giver, not the gift. If every worker enjoys perfect health, wealth, and happiness at all times, the whole world would choose to serve God just for His benefits instead of because they love Him.

Lord You said to count the cost before I begin my service to You. What is the cost?
Child, the cost is your life. The cost of serving the devil is also your life. Here's the difference. With God, you get life back again in abundance . . . and the benefits are out of this world (John 10: 10; Psalm 103: 1-3).

So that means I trust You and serve You, even if there are no benefits in the land of the living?
There is tribulation in the world. There are also many blessings and much cause for rejoicing. (Psalm 103; Luke 6:37-39).

What if I just believe on Jesus, like the thief on the cross? Will that be enough to get me to heaven?
A Fool says in his heart there is no God. An even greater fool discovers God and then FAILS to serve Him. (Psalm 14:1; Hebrews 5:12, James 1:22; Matthew 7:21-23).

Okay Father, I've been reading Your word and striving for a balanced diet. I study to show myself a workman approved and to be able to share the good news with others. I want to learn to pray effectively and according to Your will, which I cannot know apart from Your Word. I study to increase my faith, because without faith it is impossible to please You.

Lord, so many people study the Bible to find out how to get You to give them what they want.
I've decided to study just to find out how to BE what You want.

Child, NOW you are getting the message (Matthew 7:21).

Oh, I think I just saw the angels, Goodness and Mercy, following me.
Yes!!! I saw them.
Thank You Lord!

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