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Over the past week my heart has changed. It's become harder. I've become more sensitive, angry, and even a bit bitter. I've been hesitant and distant. I'm uncertain of what is to come. I don't want to be where I am. I feel stuck. Stuck inside this box that I've allowed them to put me into. Me in this box isn't who I am nor is it who I want to be. It's not the person who has grown to be passionate about ministry. It's not the person who knows and believes that there is more than she can imagine. It's not the person that believes that she is loved. Me in this box is the person I was when I first got to Frontier. People don't believe I can do ministry. I think that all there is is what I've got. I can't feel God's love. I don't know how to break out. How to get back to the visions that I've had. How to return to the freedom I was once feeling. I know that I can only find the freedom I desire through God but I can't seem to find Him either. It's like the desire to dig deeper to find Him to know more about Him was washed a way in the moment I got off the plane in Pittsburgh in January. I wish I could rewind. Go back to when I boarded that flight. Go back to my time at SharpTop and with the Davenports. To remember what it really felt like to desire to dig deeper. To know that I'm loved. I don't know that I'll ever understand why Ohio triggers so much hurt and pain. So much bondage. I certainly understand that I've been through a lot of crap. More crap than many know. Being here is a reminder of that. I just wish that it didn't paralyze me and keep me from doing the things that I know I desire to do...
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