Return to Content
Read Our Devotional
Opportunities to be Published
The Home for Christian Writers! Matthew 6:33
ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BY COMMENTING
Add to Favorites
The Mayor and The Citizen
Free to Share
Author requests article critique
The rain fell in torrents upon the dark and dilapidated street, as a solitary someone plodded slowly, painfully, down the dank way. Having walked long in the heavy rain, he was saturated, showing signs of considerable fatigue. With his last bit of strength, he turned off the street to a spot beneath a bridge, and there he quietly died.
By the next morning the rain had stopped its relentless liquid hammering, until it was no more than a quiet shower, and finally all that remained was a slight trickle. The sun broke through the depressing clouds, and in crystalline refraction, it immersed the landscape in a dazzling rainbow. The once deserted street transformed into a small, crowded conduit of the nearby township, full of those who had heard the astonishing rumor. The richest man in town -the man who had started this town- was missing; so also was his son, who had been the current mayor of the small town. You can well imagine how this could rouse even the most blasé, to curiosity and disbelief. Many had ventured out, saying that such a wonderful day should not be squandered, considering the preceding day. They were determined to see if what they had heard was true, so they turned the search into a game of sorts- none realizing the seriousness of it.
One of the more skeptical persons in the search, who had come because of boredom, was walking carelessly down the very street in which, not very long ago, a man in a very different condition from his, had walked his last steps. He came unwittingly to the very same bridge where the other fellow breathed his last breath. As he gazed upon the body of the poor man, he stood as if glued to the spot; he could not speak a word,
for this man, who was in such a pitiful, pathetic heap under the bridge, was the Mayor’s father! Breaking free from his paralysis he ran back to where some others had begun their search. From the shocked look on his face the others knew something was wrong.
“What is it Neil?” They inquired. “ What have you seen? “
Neil, gasping for breath, replied, “I found him! It was all true, what they said, about the Mayor’s father recently not being right in the head-
He’s dead under that bridge. “ He pointed where the bridge was, even though it was the only one in sight, or in town for that matter. They all rushed over to it anxiously. When they saw the body, the group solemnly took off their hats and someone took off his coat to respectfully cover the body. One from the group turned to Neil saying, “ I remember when this man was younger. He was always good to the town, he had donated much to the children’s hospital and to the church over the years. He helped and fed many a poor wandering homeless person, yet on a stormy night, no one paid attention to this poor, confused old man. Even his son, the mayor, just last night, turned him out of his house, because he couldn’t bear his own father’s wandering mind.” He paused reflecting sadly upon what he had just related, then continued, “You have brought shame upon this gentle man by talking in such a way about him. Does God look down on one who loses the faculties he once had? Does His love for such an one diminish as one ages?”
Neil was silent for awhile, unsure of what to say. Certainly “oops” would not be enough and would sound heartless. He turned and quickly walked away from the questioning eyes of the group. He wanted to hide from them; he was so ashamed. He was on his way home when a thought struck him, “Maybe if I find what happened to the Mayor, they will forgive me.” As he thought this, a man running around the corner ran into him. Looking up, Neil beheld none other than the Mayor, himself! “Mayor, where have you been!?” The Mayor looked ashamed and responded, “I hid in shame, from the townspeople knowing they would think me heartless for turning father out.”
They both had thought hiding was going to solve their problems, but it didn’t. The Mayor asked, “Shall we go and face our problems and the town together?” Neil sighed, “ Yes, I think that would be best.”
PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
Reader Count & Comments
22 Jan 2010
I agree that you should develop the characters more. But I understand how hard it is to keep to the word count. I love the idea that you can't hide from shame. That tends to be many people's first reaction. There were a couple of proofreading errors, but no big deal. Now that you're not constricted by the word length, I hope you keep going with this story, develop the characters with as much details as you used in describing the setting. It's a good start, don't give up.
21 Jan 2010
I agree with you, it ended rather abruptly, and I fail to see the connection between Neil's and the mayor's shame. Not quite sure I understood the emotional impact of the story....it didn't really hit me as I read. Definitely has the potential to give that emotional punch, but the ending hinders it as it's written now.
Stylistically, you spend a lot of time on your descriptions rather than developing the characters and plot. I would suggest cutting a lot of adjectives and adverbs and use what Jan calls "salsa" words for your nouns and verbs. Then you can make room for the development of your plot.
Also, you bounce back and forth from a broad view to a particular view. For short fiction like the challenge, you would do better zeroing in on one character and sticking with his/her point of view alone. Describe Neil. Allude to what he's looking for. Focus in on his feelings and thoughts.
One more note: we all have learned to cut our paragraphs up when writing for the Challenge. It makes it easier to read. Check out some of the Masters' level entries to see how short the paragraphs are. You want to start a new line with each new thought and each different character's words.
You have a really good start, and a good vocabulary. Definitely lots of potential here for a great story. Nicely done!
(If you would like a more in-depth critique, feel free to PM me)
This article has been read
times < Previous | Next >
Read more articles by
or search for other articles by topic below.
Search for articles on: (e.g. creation; holiness etc.)
Read more by clicking on a link:
Main Site Articles
Most Read Articles
Highly Acclaimed Challenge Articles
New Release Christian Books for Free for a Simple Review
NEW - Surprise Me With an Article - Click here for a random URL
God is Not Against You - He Came on an All Out Rescue Mission to Save You
...in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them... 2 Cor 5:19
Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Acts 13:38
LEARN & TRUST JESUS HERE
The opinions expressed by authors do not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
FaithWriters offers Christian reading material for Christian readers. We offer Christian articles, Christian fiction, Christian non-fiction, Christian Bible studies, Christian poems, Christian articles for sale, free use Christian articles, Christian living articles, New Covenant Christian Bible Studies, Christian magazine articles and new Christian articles. We write for Jesus about God, the Bible, salvation, prayer and the word of God.
Link To Us
Become A Member