Re: Dialog #1
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 5:37 pm
Thanks Jan. I look forward to more lessons. I'm on a roll.
Judy
Judy
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You did a good job of paring this down to the essentials. I'd have changed just a few things:cgpeoples wrote:"Mom, I cannot believe you're not going to let me go to the movies with my friends tonight!"
"Jocelyn," her mother said, "you are only 14 years old and you have no business watching a movie about an axe murderer."
"But everybody else's parents are letting them go. So why can't I?" Jocelyn kept on and on till her mother relented.
"Alright," she said, "go on but please be careful!"
(Tried to just simplify while keeping pertinent information) Thanks for the lessons!
"Mom!" Jocelyn whined.Jocelyn, a 14-year-old girl, was upset with her mother! "I can not believe that you will not let me go to see the movie called Spring Break Axe Murderer, with my best friends Ashley and Tiffani. All of the teenagers are going to the movie theater this evening."
Tina, a mother only in her early thirties because she had had Jocelyn when she was very young herself, was one of those mothers who tries to be a friend to her teenager. She thought for a while, and after seeing Jocelyn's great unhappiness, she decided to relent. "You may go to the movies with your young friends tonight. Be certain that you are cautious and careful, please." She is just like me, Tina thought to herself.
As far as dialogue goes (which was the lesson, after all), you've definitely done a good job, especially with Jocelyn. Tina's voice is still slightly stiff in a few places.lookinup wrote:
"Mom!" Jocelyn whined.
"What now?" Tina asked, praying for patience and counting backward from one hundred as she often did when dealing with her fourteen-year-old-going-on-twenty daughter.
"Ashley and Tiffany get to go! It's not fair," responded Jocelyn, her eyes flashing with anger and righteous indignation. Folding her arms and harrumphing, she added, "You act just like those "old" mothers."
"Oh come on now; trying to guilt me into letting you go see that horrible movie isn't going to work, girl. I'm onto you," warned her mother, shooting her a knowing look. "Spring Break Axe Murderer" is violent. You are aware of my reasons for not wanting you to go, aren't you?"
"Okay, I give. But it doesn't make me not want to go. Everybody is going!"
Tina started to speak and then closed her mouth, staring into the eyes so like her own - large and green with gold flecks. At times it was difficult not to over-identify with this child so like her younger self, and to slip from her parenting role. Was it only fourteen years ago that she had been sixteen, having a baby out of wedlock?
"I don't know," she said, hesitating. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad just this once. After all, what could one movie hurt? It wasn't like Jocelyn had a steady diet!
"Mom, can I? Please? I'll even do dishes for a whole week if you let me!"
"It's my turn to give. Okay, you can. However, I don't want you asking me if you can go to anymore of these types of shows for a long long time. Agreed?"
Tina's answer was having Jocelyn's arms thrown around her in an ecstatic response. Smiling, she nodded her head, staring over her daughter's shoulder. "Thank you Lord for this treasure you've given me," she said, her lips moving in silent prayer.
How's this for a re-do?"Mom!" Jocelyn whined.
"What now?" Tina asked, praying for patience and counting backward from one hundred as she often did when dealing with her fourteen-year-old-going-on-twenty daughter.
"Ashley and Tiffany get to go! It's not fair," responded Jocelyn, her eyes flashing with anger and righteous indignation. Folding her arms and harrumphing, she added, "You act just like those "old" mothers."
"Oh come on now; trying to guilt me into letting you go see that horrible movie isn't going to work, girl. I'm onto you," warned her mother, shooting her a knowing look. "Spring Break Axe Murderer" is violent. You are aware of my reasons for not wanting you to go, aren't you?"
"Okay, I give. But it doesn't make me not want to go. Everybody is going!"
Tina started to speak and then closed her mouth, staring into the eyes so like her own - large and green with gold flecks. At times it was difficult not to over-identify with this child so like her younger self, and to slip from her parenting role. Was it only fourteen years ago that she had been sixteen, having a baby out of wedlock?
"I don't know," she said, hesitating. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad just this once. After all, what could one movie hurt? It wasn't like Jocelyn had a steady diet!
"Mom, can I? Please? I'll even do dishes for a whole week if you let me!"
"It's my turn to give. Okay, you can. However, I don't want you asking me if you can go to anymore of these types of shows for a long long time. Agreed?"
Tina's answer was having Jocelyn's arms thrown around her in an ecstatic response. Smiling, she nodded her head, staring over her daughter's shoulder. "Thank you Lord for this treasure you've given me," she said, her lips moving in silent prayer.
As far as dialogue goes (which was the lesson, after all), you've definitely done a good job, especially with Jocelyn. Tina's voice is still slightly stiff in a few places.
It's not part of this lesson, but I'd encourage you to look for cliches in your writing. In this little vignette, I found
praying for patience / counting backward
eyes flashing with anger
out of wedlock
righteous indignation
And if you were an editing client, I'd advise you to trim, trim, trim.
However, your writing is good, with some inklings of deep POV. Lots and lots of promise here--well done!
Great job!Athayde wrote:Hi Jan, here is my shot:
Jocelyn frowned and yelled at me, "Why church people can't have fun, hein, mom?" I'm going
anyway, you know that..." She walked sideways at my front.
Seated on the sofa, I kept looking at my tablet. I had to be careful to answer to that one.
"It's not about being a Christian, Jocy. Look at the name of this movie, Spring Break Axe
Murderer. And look at its reviews!" I pointed at the screen and shook my head. "You won't go."
"Look, mom, I won't get myself pregnant like you did when you were at MY age." She snapped
back, tilted her head, and placed her both hands over her hips.
"Oh, now you're going too far, little lady." I jumped off the sofa, and squinted down at her face.
She tilted her head up and stepped backwards. I stayed there, waiting for her reaction, holding
the tears in my eyes. She bowed her head.
"Mom, it's just a flick. Ash and Tiff, everybody is going..." She pleaded, opened her palms up
and pursed her lips.
I turned and seated back on the couch. With my elbows resting over my thighs, and both hands
holding my cheeks, I forced my mind to think. When I was at Jocelyn's age, I used to jump out of
my house windows, and escape to the parties. Then I got pregnant, and my crazy grandma told
my mon, "This is what happens when you squeeze the bread dough more than you should, It
creeps off between your fingers..." Oh, God, help me. I don't know what to do...
Jocelyn stayed there, waiting for my final word. Then, the Holy Spirit spoke into my heart,
"Tina, wherever she goes, I'll be with her, I promise you." That's it. He'll be there for her.
I lifted my head, and gave her a half smile. "Ok, you can go, but please, be careful. Give me a
few calls."
"Oh, mom, thank you! I knew you would not spoil everything...I'll call as many times as you
want."
She sat at my side and kissed me. "And..." she bent her head down, "I'm sorry for what I said
about you... You know..."
"That's ok, honey. It's good to know you're smarter than I was, when I was at your age." I
smoothed her long hair and held her tight.
***
Thanks for the lesson, Jan. God bless you.