JudySauer wrote:Doreen was heading home and focused on her book. Next to her sat a large man. She inched closer to the window for easement. When the train she was riding went through tunnels she regrets not having purchased a back-lit e-reader. Note to herself: get a book light. The screeching train stopped abruptly in mid-tunnel. This is never a good situation. The only light was from the flickering tube in the tunnel. Panic set in. Her breathing stilled in her throat. Upon making a choking sound, the man said in a soft voice, "Ma'am? Would you please hold my hand?"
Judy, thanks for giving this a shot! You definitely retained the tension of the moment, and the abrupt switch from Doreen's annoyment to the man's surprising fear (which was the main point of the original paragraph).
A few minor things:
Doreen wouldn't think about herself in 3rd person, so that part should probably be Note to myself.
You made a quick switch into present tense in an otherwise past tense paragraph when you used "she regrets" instead of "she regretted."
I feel like some of your shorter sentences could be combined; this is a bit choppy.
But the important thing is that you tightened and trimmed the original, and your choices about what to keep and what to snip were spot on.