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PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 2:21 pm
by honeyrock
Thanks - you made my week!! I have you and your class on salsa words to thank!!!!

PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 4:24 pm
by GShuler
Can I slip one in? Here is my attempt:

Justin hated everything about driving on a moonless night. More than anything else, though, he hated the white dashed line in the middle of the road, reflecting flashes of hypnotic reminders that he still had miles to go before finally getting home. To his mile-weary mind the line, certainly, was his greatest nemesis. Flash, flash, flash, flash…

Glint.

What was that? Justin had seen a glimmer of something on the side of the road. An accident? he wondered. Maybe. He knew he should pull over and check it out. Someone might be hurt.

No.

What good would he be? He had no medical training and he would faint if there was blood. He drove on, knowing that the Highway Patrol would be by soon enough. His mind was on getting home.

----------------

If only he had stopped. He would have seen the sign the wrecked car had knocked over.

CAUTION: BRIDGE OUT

PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 5:11 pm
by glorybee
Oh Gerald, that was some wicked irony there!

(I'm admitting right now--it made me laugh).

Well done--very creative, and I love your details (moonless night, fainting at the sight of blood) and your word choices (hypnotic, nemesis, glint...). Thanks for showing us how it's done, Gerald.

PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 6:25 am
by GracefulWarrior
Hello, I just saw this lesson, hope I'm not too late to join in :)
I didn't get to read any of the others yet, but here is a shot at it.

1.
A) Every day I check my email.

B) I always use my everyday dishes for meals, but today was special so I put out the china.

2. I don't know as I have anything new.. but I believe you talked about going back through what you have written and change the wording to make it more "spicy". Also, maybe put in things that people can identify with and make fun of situations...


3) Speeding to her dentist appointment in her old dodge dart, Joanne prayed with great authority. Lord I ask that you bring a harvest; increase my finances, multiply my funds. As she was saying Amen, something shiny by the road caught her eye. She slammed on the brakes and pulled over. A sign from the Lord! Putting down her crispy crème donut, she jumped out of her car and ran to it with great expectation. As she picked it up, she realized it was a pop tart wrapper. What does this mean she thought, perplexed? Later as the dentist handed her the bill for filling her cavities, she wondered if these events were a joke on her.

Thanks!
Holly

PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 7:33 am
by glorybee
GracefulWarrior wrote:1.
A) Every day I check my email.

B) I always use my everyday dishes for meals, but today was special so I put out the china. Perfect!

2. I don't know as I have anything new.. but I believe you talked about going back through what you have written and change the wording to make it more "spicy". Also, maybe put in things that people can identify with and make fun of situations... Very good


3) Speeding to her dentist appointment in her old dodge dart, Joanne prayed with great authority. Lord I ask that you bring a harvest; increase my finances, multiply my funds. I'd put the prayer in italics. There are instructions for doing this earlier in this thread. As she was saying Amen, something shiny by the road caught her eye. She slammed on the brakes and pulled over. A sign from the Lord! Good place to end the paragraph; large blocks of texts can get wearisome to the reader. Putting down her Krispy Krème donut, she jumped out of her car and ran to it with great expectation. As she picked it up, she realized it was a pop tart wrapper. What does this mean she thought, perplexed? If you put the thought in italics, you can eliminate the tag and save three words. Later as the dentist handed her the bill for filling her cavities, she wondered if these events were a joke on her.

Oooh, I love the twist at the end--just a little bit of satire and irony here, two of my very favorite things. I really didn't expect that, and it brought a smile to my face. Creative and fresh, just as it should be!

Thanks!
Holly

PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 7:54 am
by GracefulWarrior
Jan, thanks so much! Is this better? So in articles, it is ok to put thoughts in italics? I guess if you aren't doing a dialogue that would be the way to go? Also, the comma in red, should that be a semi colon or is it ok as a comma? I really wish I paid more attention in english class! I am trying to go through Ann's lessons to improve as well.

Speeding to her dentist appointment in her old dodge dart, Joanne prayed with great authority. Lord I ask that you bring a harvest; increase my finances, multiply my funds. As she was saying Amen, something shiny by the road caught her eye. She slammed on the brakes and pulled over. A sign from the Lord!

Putting down her Krispy Krème donut, she jumped out of her car and ran to it with great expectation. A pop tart wrapper! What does this mean she thought, perplexed? Later as the dentist handed her the bill for filling her cavities, she wondered if these events were a joke on her.

Holly

PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 8:04 am
by glorybee
Holly, thoughts should definitely be put in italics. Then you don't need to use tags like 'she thought'--the italics have already conveyed that to your reader.

A semicolon should be used to separate independent clauses. I don't usually put semicolons in dialog or in thoughts--people just don't usually speak or think in such formal, organized ways. In your example, I probably would have written

Lord, I ask that you bring a harvest, increase my finances, multiply my funds...

In that past paragraph, I'd have written

What does this mean?

and leave out the 'she thought, perplexed' altogether.

PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 8:11 am
by GracefulWarrior
Awesome! :D

You are a wealth of knowledge. I am learning so much! Now if I can just apply it!

Thanks again Jan, hope you have a wonderful blessed day!

Holly

Lesson 1 and 2, working on three

PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 1:03 pm
by Nanci
Hi Jan, I just found this and am thrilled to have more assistance in writing...I will work on the third part of this assignment and post ASAP.

1). I pray every day and put on the whole armor of God.

My everyday life would seem restrictive, but I have been made free in
Christ Jesus.


2). Setting a scene that introduces your characters, take them to dinner.
Show and not tell...

PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 1:13 pm
by glorybee
Hi, Nanci!

Thanks for dropping by--Parts 1 and 2 are exactly right. I look forward to reading part 3 (but no hurry--I'm leaving for my daughter's house in an hour or so, and will be busy all weekend...)

The Magic Mirror

PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 2:09 pm
by Nanci
I am going to be busy the rest of the week end also, trying to get hubby out of the hospital...couldn't resist writing, my therapy these days...

The sun shot trees seem to bow as the wind whispered, “one more hill”…Peggy pumped hard on the bike’s pedals, her heart keeping time with her rapid breaths as she conquered this last hill. She was meeting some other friends for a cycling and camping weekend, an urban get away.

Peg could feel the coolness of the lake that was spread before her which made her pedal faster. A reflected light snared her peripheral vision and she came to a sudden stop. She retreated to where she had seen the glare. Lying in the grass was a gold plated mirror.

“Weird”, she murmured, as she held it up to her face. What reflected back was not her face! The face before her was a brown eyed, black haired young man with dimples in each cheek. There was a kindness in his chocolate brown eyes and warmth to his lop sided grin. Peg felt as if she had seen him before…ah, a magic mirror.

Peg grabbed the mirror, stuck it in her backpack and pedaled into camp. Gina, Doris and Kate were eagerly waiting. After a dip in the lake, hamburgers on the grill and sweet iced tea, the girls pedaled down to the arcade to play some video games.

The pings and music greeted them as they entered “Vista Videos”. Peg gasped and could not move because before her, selling tickets to the bowling game was the young man in the mirror. Indeed it surely is a magic mirror!

PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 8:46 pm
by glorybee
Nanci, sorry to hear that your husband is ill. I know well the theraputic effects of writing...

Your 'homework' was definitely creative and fresh--no one else went the magic/fantasy route at all.

I give you one caution--it might be a bit heavy on the descritpion and the adjectives. A lighter touch is usually better, expecially in a really short work...

...but that's highly subjective. If that's your preferred style, run with it! However, you do want to be aware of your verb tenses. While most of this is in past tense, you've got a few present tense verbs here and there. I'll leave it to you to find and fix them.

Thanks so much for this intriguing entry. It definitely sets up lots of suspense, and just a touch of romance. Nicely done!

PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 9:56 pm
by Nanci
Yes. I see some of the errors, just didn't wait long enough for a good edit...guess I am more fatigued than I thought...can't get the ramp set up before Monday so the hubby won't get home this weekend. He had a horrific motorcycle accident, God's grace kept him from death, and he is really messed up...just stressed with this and I am my mom's caregiver, she lives with us. She is 93 and has Alzheimer's, I am feeling overwhelmed at the moment...writing is my life support right now, plus my true passion...I have always wanted to write...appreciate Faith Writers and your wonderful help...will make corrections and resubmit...blessings...

Magic Mirror

PostPosted: Sat May 15, 2010 5:01 am
by Nanci
Hi Jan, I made some corrections and I am sure that there are more to be done...

The sun shot trees seemed to bow as the wind whispered, “one more hill”…Peggy pumped harder on the bike’s pedals, her heart keeping time with her rapid breaths as she conquered this last hill. She was meeting some other friends for a cycling and camping weekend, an urban get away.

Peg could feel the coolness of the lake that was spread before her, thus making her pedal even faster. A reflected light snared her peripheral vision and she came to a sudden stop. She retreated to where she had seen the glare. Lying in the grass was a gold plated mirror.

“Weird”, she murmured, as she held it up to her face. What reflected back was not her face! The face before her was a brown eyed, black haired young man with dimples in each cheek. There was a kindness in his chocolate brown eyes and warmth to his lop sided grin. Peg felt as if she had seen him before…ah, a magic mirror!

Peg grabbed the mirror, stuck it in her backpack and pedaled into camp. Gina, Doris and Kate were eagerly waiting. After a dip in the lake, hamburgers on the grill and sweet iced tea, the girls pedaled down to the arcade to play some video games.

The pings and music greeted them as they entered “Vista Videos”. Peg gasped and could not move because before her, selling tickets to the bowling game was the young man in the mirror. Indeed this truly was a magic mirror!

PostPosted: Sat May 15, 2010 2:43 pm
by glorybee
Good job, Nanci!