He must have been sitting in front of the house for at least 20 minutes. Still stunned about the news. This is the first time he has ever come to the place where he grew up and she did not meet him at the door. Her smile of welcome and love..a peace about her that exceeded a true understanding that he could not fathom. It was as if she knew a secret, a heartwarming comforting sensitivity surrounding her...his "Mom"..his "friend".
His brother was meeting him so they can go over the papers and records needed to finalize.. .."Hmmmm...finalize..?" He came a little early to gather some sense about this event, this ending and beginning at the same time.."She's gone?!!" They had made plans to attend church together with his wife and children, this Sunday. She was pleased about it , he must admit he was looking forward to it, as well.
As he sat reminiscing..something or someone spoke out loud.." Its time". Utterly terrified and taken aback..he looked around to see if an unwelcome passenger entered his car without his knowledge. He swung his head around so fast, surprised he didn't break his neck in the process!!! Nothing..no one .
A smile appeared upon his face, just to wash away the sense of foreboding that overshadowed him for that split second. " Get it together...no sense in going crazy, now!!", spoken out loud. as if to answer the invisible intruder and calm his inner insanity, even if it was experienced for one quick second!!!
As he exited the car, he reached into his pocket for his house keys. He always kept them even though he has a home and life of his own. He would never relieve himself of where the Love began for him. The keys were a symbol of Love more than a possession of what he always called " home". Opening the door he entered her world..,,Because since he and his brother moved out she allowed herself to finally "become" ( as she put it). He inhaled and experienced the presence of someone he will never see face to face anymore. Yes...he was still home. The peace, the love, the smile ..was still very much a part of what he visually and emotionally took in at that very second. And it never left, as he moved straight to the matter at hand. Funny it seemed to have given him strength, to begin what he came to do.
Remembering the script, for she made it a practice to rehearse with her sons that there were necessary "to dos" to complete "unpleasant" things in life. Even in the event of "death".
Shaking it off..he focused on the task at hand. Knowing where to go and what to look for, he found the papers they needed immediately,everything in place as if they were expecting him. Flipping through the files, he came across an envelope, his interest peeked because of the familiar handwriting, he opened the item and found a letter.
"Today the youngest of the two sons you have blessed me with has left on his journey called "Life". I cant help but let the tears flow, for I can do this with You, now ! I think I did well in front of him. I did not want him to misunderstand and worry about me being lonely or alone. Hopefully he knows better than that. Witnessing, himself, the relationship You and I have, the many times he walked into a worship session where tears are streaming down my face. Hearing the prayers through the walls and watching me in church as I became so wrapped up in You. I believe he understands that I am not nor have I ever been alone.
Funny, the reason I am writing this letter to You, Lord is because, as he enters his "beginning", I realize that this too is mine!!! And I wanted to Thank You for getting me through to this point.
I know I could have just said this, prayed this, taken it to the altar..but this is too important ..so much has happened to get me here....
And I'm still here!!!
I wanted to Thank You Lord for getting me through the challenges, fear, failures..Lord to where I am right now.
I thank You for being merciful unto me in spite of the abortion...Lord watching this young man You have blessed me with..I could not help but thank you for not allowing me to regress because of my failures, the bad decisions, and choices I've made in life. I know You have forgiven me of the act and I have repented, and I am not wallowing in self pity, I just wanted to thank an Allmighty God Who has been faithful in the midst of failures and bad choices.
I thank You for being a comfort in the midst of a divorce, that could have been bitter and ugly.
Choices..Decisions that could have had such and adverse affect..BUT GOD!!!
Even though they never asked, I knew in my heart that they wanted to know what or who initiated the the separation of our home. Not that they were loved any less, and I, again, Thank You for making a difficult situation a manageable one. For everyone involved. If I had the choice would I do it again, probably, Yes, but differently. In all honesty, Lord, for no secrets are hid from You, I should have consulted You, talked to You at the time. But I did not want to hear the truth, not from You. Even though You sent others to say it, it was easy to ignore them and pacify my own emotions when approached by others.
I know we have discussed this in prayer, but as I watched my son turn to me for the last time embarking on his journey, out of my life with him, and into his own in You, I was compelled to write this letter of appreciation and love towards a God Who kept me in the midst of my failures..and never called me a Failure nor gave up on me.
I prayed these young men into Your arms into the destiny You have for them..and see how much you have been a part of what others would label a messed up life. They don't attend church as much as they should, but I trust You to keep Your Word spoken over their lives. All of that time spent in the church, because they had no choice, Life was spoken to them and taught to them and I know that it was not in vain.
Today I celebrate and embrace You for bringing me through what I saw as failures in me and know that the Promise of God's Love never dies!!!!"
Dumbfounded, words could not express, what he felt, at that moment. "..the Promise of God's Love never dies....".. He didn't hear the door open as he sat there on his knees, the secrets of a Woman he lived with most of his life, and loved all of his life in his hands. His tear streaked face looked up into his older brother's eyes..and the younger knew. He saw an unusual sense of understanding in the eyes of his older brother. He knew ..Everything!!!
The older reached for the hand of the younger, and as he knelt down next to him, he said..."It's time!!".
They embraced one another, as if for dear life..and began to pray..." Our Father....