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I have been in denial for years that there is a problem. It’s a huge, hidden rift that only I can see.
You see, I have believed God’s truth with my head, but I have drifted in my heart. Each time I have accepted and repeated the devil’s lies I have advanced the devil’s programs and I am now double-minded.
Getting to a state of wholeness depends on me letting go of my sick misbeliefs. Jesus said that He came to heal me and make me whole! But where is Jesus? Where is my Deliverer?
These days, these weeks, these months, it seems Job chapter 3 is the only chapter in the Bible. “Why did I not die at birth,” Job asks in verse 11. I ask the same question, and of course, there is no answer. But asking why is important, I guess, because it reveals to me the thing I have chosen as my own highest good.
What is the highest good in my life? Well, I think the highest good for me would be nonexistence, or I would have the ability to orchestrate my own life, or be someone else. God tells me that He is my highest good, but my inner perception of reality tells me otherwise. Why would I, why should I, view God as my highest good? Instead, I view God as the source of all my problems because He created me!
Oh, miserable wretch that I am! Who will deliver me? Who can deliver me?
God tells me it’s a good thing to be me. But I contradict God. I tell God the awful thing is being me. I inform God that besides nonexistence, the highest good would be to be someone else. To live another’s life.
Does God really love people equally? I ask because He allows many people, apart from Him, apart from their highest good, which is God, to accomplish what they desire and to achieve their own highest good apart from Him. This is so unfair! God doesn't appear to hold everybody to the same standard.
I’m told that I have allowed my misbeliefs to spring from my experiences, rather than from God’s Word. This is why I sit and weap in this black pit of spiritual despair today. This is why I now suffer under the wrong conclusions about the nature of God. I am reaping what I have been sowing! I have allowed my beliefs to be based on life experiences and what I observe in the world around me. I have taken God’s truth in for years, read God’s truth for decades, but actively applied wrong beliefs to my life.
People try to encourage me. They tell me that it is good that I wrestle with these questions and issues. I need to press through and struggle, they exhort. It’s my flesh battling with my spirit, they say. “You’ll get past this,” they assure me. Their words bring me some comfort.
A newer believer tells me that the tears I cry are like blood in the wound of my soul.
Where there is blood, there is healing, she gently and sweetly whispers. She assures me that healing will come. I wait for my Deliverer.
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