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Previous Challenge Entry
Topic: TEARS - (as in crying) (10/04/04)

TITLE: No Weapon Formed Against Me Will Prosper
By Lynda Lee Schab


Suzie Tierney was late. As in, an hour late. Jack was going to have a fit. He was constantly complaining about her tardiness. She imagined him right now, growing more impatient with every minute. He'd glance at his watch every minute or so, cursing under his breath. She would get an earful on the way home. She dreaded having to use her weapon on Jack, but she didn't have a choice. Suzie punched the accelerator with her foot.

Blue lights appeared out of nowhere, illuminating her rearview mirror. "Great!" Suzie said out loud, smacking the steering wheel. "Just what I need!"

Pulling off to the side of the road, Suzie stretched out her arm, popped open the glove compartment and rummaged around for her registration. Now Jack was really going to blow his top. It had been her responsibility to register the car when they had moved to California three months ago and she had completely forgotten.

The officer was at her window and she rolled it down, flashing a warm smile. "Is there a problem, Officer?" she asked sweetly.

"Do you realize how fast you were going?" he asked, expressionless.

"Um---Hmmm. No, not really. I couldn't have been going over the speed limit, though. I always watch my speed. Don't want to break the law!"

"You were going sixty miles per hour. The speed limit is forty-five. Can I see your license and registration?" No smile from Officer Crabby Pants.

"Well, that's the thing, Officer. We just moved here three months ago from Michigan and I haven't gotten our new registration yet," Suzie explained as she handed over her Michigan registration.

"You've had plenty of time. I'm going to have to write you up. Hold tight." She watched Officer Grinch saunter back to his cruiser, as if he had all the time in the world. She checked her watch. Jack was probably seething by now!

This cop obviously had no mercy! Suzie simply could not afford a ticket right now. Besides facing Jack's wrath, finances were tight - they had no extra money to spend on traffic tickets! She would have to think of something - fast. Officer Scowley was on his way back. She rifled through her purse for her weapon. She didn't want to use it but she would if necessary.

"I issued you two tickets," he said. Suzie started to protest and the officer cut her off. "Actually, you should thank me. I only wrote you for ten over. Saved you some big money. I also wrote you up for an expired registration."

Suzie had no choice. It was now or never. She tightened the grip on her weapon and pulled it out. She could have sworn she saw fear in Officer Do-No-Good's face. Sweet revenge.

"Wahhh-----" she wailed, swiping at her eyes with the tissue. "Please, Officer. You can't give me a t-ticket. I p-promise to run right to the Secretary of State and r-register the car. And I swear I will never speed again." Suzie's breath came in short bursts and she twisted her face, contorting it as if in severe pain. Tears sprouted from her eyes and she made a display of soaking the tissue.

"Maam, I'm afraidÖ" (Yes! She knew he was afraid) "that no weapon formed against me will prosper. I'll have to write you up for trying to manipulate an officer of the law with tears."

"What?" Suzie asked, confused.

"Crying your way out of a speeding ticket is against the law in the state of California."

"What are you talking about?" Suzie asked, her eyes suddenly drying up to accommodate anger. "Michigan doesn't have a law like that. I've never heard something so stupid!"

"There are too many actresses in California. It would be impossible to tell who was truly sorry and who was faking it."

Suzie watched, dumbfounded, as Officer Lower-than-Low wrote out the ticket.

"How much is the fine?" Suzie demanded.

"No fine. You'll probably just be sentenced to attend Cryers Anonomous for six months. Only subsequent offenders get fined. Just make sure you don't try it again." The officer smiled for the first time and headed back to his cruiser.

Suzie was in shock. Jack would be furious! She wondered if her weapon would work on him today. Highly doubtful. She wadded up the tissue, tossed it angrily out of the window and watched in horror as it hit Officer Evil smack dab in the back of the head.

Then Suzie cried. For real.

Lynda Schab
copyright 2004

Exactly 750 words!

Member Comments
Member Date
Lynda Lee Schab 10/11/04
OK. CrYers AnonOmous? What was I thinking? I meant Criers Anonymous. Oops.
darlene hight10/11/04
Tooo much fun! Cryers anonymous! Loved it Linda and I sort of like the cop...Shhh!!!!
Mitzi Busby10/11/04
I loved it. Thanks for the smile.
Lucian Thompson10/11/04
Wow, Lynda, I remember that weapon. Had it pulled on me many a time! The funny thing isÖit worked on me most of the time. The one that didnít work on me went like this: Officer, they donít write pretty women tickets in Norfolk, (Flirty Smile). Mam, we donít in Virginia Beach, either! Sign here, please!
Joanne Malley10/11/04
Especially funny since I can relate. I've heard stories from Steve that would put those tears and tissues to shame! LOL
Wonderful article! Love the line about the actresses!
addie mattern10/11/04

I loved your article. Very clever and extremely funny. I can always rely on your articles to give me a good laugh. I loved the way you gave the officer a different "name" every time he was mentioned.
Kristin Slavik10/11/04
What a fun ride. I can just picture her fuming as she is thinking up new names for the policeman. Very funny.
Judy East10/12/04
I loved your story, boy will we try anything to get out of trouble. Tears are a mighty weapon if they are used on the right one. GREAT JOB...
Rose Gingerich10/12/04
Lynda, You had me in stitches. LOL! I wasn't sure if you were about to pull a gun or use mace or what. But of course, TEARS! What else. Too Good! I guess that weapon had a blank. LOL!
Blessings, Rose
Teresa Lee Rainey10/13/04
That was tooo much fun!:^) I've been guilty of using that weapon at home, but the one time I was pulled over, I was too annoyed to remember it. Working downtown in an Alabama city with Florida license plates and knew about the speed trap...got caught in it. Oh how I wish I would have pulled out this weapon and not the 'guess I'm helping to pay for your new jail today, huh!'
Loved your story, Lynda!
Zillah Williams10/14/04
Lynda - I laughed!!! Please - is it true? "Crying your way out of a speeding ticket is against the law in the state of California."I do hope so. What a cheery article. I love it.
Phyllis Inniss10/14/04
I loved this article. It was truly funny.
L.M. Lee10/15/04
too funny!
L.M. Lee10/15/04
...the best part of this article, is the funny side of tears! :-)
Glenda Lagerstedt10/16/04
Loved your sense of humor here. My son is a police officer. I will have to quiz him about the 'tears' approach.
Hope Horner10/17/04
YOU GET MY VOTE! This piece is laugh out loud funny and so easy to relate to. Very creative of you to call tears a weapon and all your names for the officer had me literally laughing out loud. You writing is well done and something I would love to read anytime. GREAT JOB! God bless and thanks for warning me about that new law in CA. :)
Jean Boulmay10/19/04
Loved it!
Deborah Porter 11/07/04
Lynda, I'm only just getting a chance to read this now as I edit it the "Tears" Challenge for the book - and I've got to say this is one of your best. I literally laughed out loud more than a few times.

I actually did work out what her weapon was just a little before she used it, but how clever! You built the story beautifully and I absolutely loved it.

Oh and I caught the criers anonymous - so that's been fixed.

Great work Lynda! You are a classic! Love, Deb

Beth Muehlhausen06/22/05
How do you think of this stuff?!? Cryers Anonymous?! Ah yes, and we do reap what we sow...tears and all. :-)