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Topic: Rain (09/07/04)
TITLE: Side Effects
By Corinne Smelker
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Side Effects: This pill may cause ligament pain, joint pain, nausea, headache or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, or ringing in the ears. Avoid red meat, shellfish, and fruits and vegetables. Okay foods; red herrings. Under no circumstances eat moose.
Do not stand in the rain otherwise you will go very bald, very fast, unless of course you are a woman, in which case you will sprout like a Chia head, all over your face. You may find yourself becoming vague or disoriented, now is an excellent time to write a screenplay and submit it to Quentin Tarantino.
We are assuming you’ve had the measles. Do not take this product if you are uneasy about foot and mouth disease. Do not stand near a ringing telephone, better yet, remove all telephones from your vicinity. Do not panic if your Geiger counter goes haywire as you pass by.
While taking this drug you may want to wear something lucky. Men should avoid elevators as this drug causes an involuntary response, therefore avoid all sledgehammers too, especially while on elevators. Women taking this drug may find their voices drop an octave or two – this is common.
If your hair begins to smell like burning rubber, move away from civilization and apply rubbing alcohol, unless you’re a man, in which case you can stand in the afore-mentioned rain to go bald.
Compulsively repeating, “Absolutely” is a perfectly acceptable side effect, and is no cause for concern. You may experience “lumpy ankle syndrome” but we are actively seeking a cure. Bloated fingers on the heart side are common – do not be alarmed.
Leg cramps are normal, and should be expected – up to two knee-bucklers per day are allowable. Do not fly a helicopter, unless you are in the one percent of users who experience “spontaneous helicopter skills”. May cause stigmata in men under 50, and all women under 30.
Chain yourself to a kitchen appliance immediately after taking the drug, as a half hour later you will have an insatiable desire to take another pill. You MUST resist this with all your power. Make sure the appliance cannot fit through the door, and warn all relatives that you must absolutely not have another pill.
Notice: This drug is legal in the United States, Canada and the United Kingdom only when the user is straddling a county line. Prohibited in any other country.