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Previous Challenge Entry
Topic: Rain (09/07/04)

TITLE: Side Effects
By Corinne Smelker


Dosage: Take two tablets every eight hours for ligament pain

Side Effects: This pill may cause ligament pain, joint pain, nausea, headache or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, or ringing in the ears. Avoid red meat, shellfish, and fruits and vegetables. Okay foods; red herrings. Under no circumstances eat moose.

Do not stand in the rain otherwise you will go very bald, very fast, unless of course you are a woman, in which case you will sprout like a Chia head, all over your face. You may find yourself becoming vague or disoriented, now is an excellent time to write a screenplay and submit it to Quentin Tarantino.

We are assuming you’ve had the measles. Do not take this product if you are uneasy about foot and mouth disease. Do not stand near a ringing telephone, better yet, remove all telephones from your vicinity. Do not panic if your Geiger counter goes haywire as you pass by.

While taking this drug you may want to wear something lucky. Men should avoid elevators as this drug causes an involuntary response, therefore avoid all sledgehammers too, especially while on elevators. Women taking this drug may find their voices drop an octave or two – this is common.

If your hair begins to smell like burning rubber, move away from civilization and apply rubbing alcohol, unless you’re a man, in which case you can stand in the afore-mentioned rain to go bald.

Compulsively repeating, “Absolutely” is a perfectly acceptable side effect, and is no cause for concern. You may experience “lumpy ankle syndrome” but we are actively seeking a cure. Bloated fingers on the heart side are common – do not be alarmed.

Leg cramps are normal, and should be expected – up to two knee-bucklers per day are allowable. Do not fly a helicopter, unless you are in the one percent of users who experience “spontaneous helicopter skills”. May cause stigmata in men under 50, and all women under 30.

Chain yourself to a kitchen appliance immediately after taking the drug, as a half hour later you will have an insatiable desire to take another pill. You MUST resist this with all your power. Make sure the appliance cannot fit through the door, and warn all relatives that you must absolutely not have another pill.

Notice: This drug is legal in the United States, Canada and the United Kingdom only when the user is straddling a county line. Prohibited in any other country.

Member Comments
Member Date
Mary Elder-Criss09/13/04

This was absolutely hilarious. So many times, my sister and I watch those ads for medications and make fun of all the possible side effects, but I do believe you have outdone anything we ever came up with. My favorite line was the one about women sprouting hair like a Chia pet!

One small question? Are you suffering from ligament pain because of the rain? I really couldn't make the connection between the article and the subject.
Funny read, regardless!

Kenny Paul Clarkson09/13/04
Ok, Cori, I was gonna make a cute remark about you being on the drug when you wrote this, then I thought, nah, not gonna do it.

Nonetheless this was fun to read.

ps - Does it rain in Texas??
Glenn A. Hascall09/13/04

You forgot to mention the 85% that have sudden, unexpected, and explosive diareah. I think most of the TV ads for new products for medicinal use have side effects that make me want to live with ligamant pain - or anything else for that matter. YIKES! Fun, funny and amazingly, it seems, very truthful. -- Glenn :-) CLICK
Teresa Lee Rainey09/13/04
Oh Cori, that was tooooo funny. I'd be living with any future ligament pain . . . for sure! ;^)_[rflol]=
darlene hight09/13/04
Precaution: Never ever under any and all circumstances read the precautions especially not during a thunder storm and never in the rain or sunshine! Way fun!
Linda Germain 09/13/04
Bullseye!! You have said it so well. It IS true. The medication given to me for vertigo cautioned about serious dizziness. A drug for a swollen ankle stated," May cause swollen ankles." Excuse moi? Good job. Tickled our collective funny bones. :0)

John Hunt09/14/04
I was going to use this idea in a future challenge! Great minds think alike? LOL. Enjoyed it a lot.
Annette Bury09/15/04
Thanks for a good and hearty laugh - Very clever!
L.M. Lee09/16/04
too funny...and anyone reading the sides of their medication would probably find the same things! :-)
Rose Gingerich09/18/04
We all need a good laugh sometimes. Thanks for providing mine for today. So true... so true. I didn't see the relationship to rain... unless... something to make you laugh or cheer you up on a rainy day perhaps. Well done. Blessings,