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Previous Challenge Entry
Topic: Bullies (08/09/04)

By David Ian


(Theme music up, majestic, exciting, quick time)

ANNOUNCER: Mutual of Walla Walla, the people who cancel, bring you another edition of their Mild Kingdom. And here’s your host, Marvin Jerkins.

(Theme music under)

MARVIN (Painfully slow): Hello. My name is...Marvin Jerkins. Welcome to Mutual of Walla Walla’s Mild Kingdom… I’ll be your host for this episode of Mutual of Walla Walla’s Mild Kingdom…. My name is Marvin Jerkins… Today on Mutual of Walla Walla’s Mild Kingdom, we’re going to go after the rascally and elusive neighborhood bully, few of which have been sighted, and none of which have ever been captured before. The more we can know about their migratory, range and bullying habits, then the more we can learn about ourselves. To help me out is my Australian friend Jim.

JIM (Australian accent): Goo’ daye! After we make contact with the bullies, we’ll hit them with these little beauties ‘ere. A super sharp tranquilizer dart fired from this over-and-under air rifle from a range of five thousand meters, accounting for crosswind and earth rotation.

MARVIN: (Sound F/X: Jeep) Bullies can range from idyllic parks, playgrounds, or any neighborhood sidewalk, and are masters of camouflage, looking like ordinary children, so they are very difficult to find, and even more difficult to track. While on the outside these are savage, violent creatures, capable of inflicting emotional and physical pain upon their victims, deep down they are dealing with some inner struggle that can only be manifested externally when they go in search of prey. Sometimes bullies can travel in multiple numbers if they are particularly insecure, but most operate alone.

JIM: We got word that a group of bullies, or “group”, as a group of them are called, had ranged into a neighborhood habitation block area, and that they were in danger of roving about unchecked, which could only have tragic results.

MARVIN: --And there’s our bullies now!

JIM: Three of ‘em, wow! They’ve cornered a hapless victim and they are threatening violence unless lunch money is handed over. I’ll get out of the jeep and set up with the dart rifle, while Marvin circles around to the backside to cut off their escape.

MARVIN: (SFX: Jeep brakes, Jim jumping out, Jeep starting up again) They’re bigger than most bullies we’ve seen!

JIM: Jus’ hold still little darlin’

(Sound F/X: Airgun firing)

JIM: Gotcha!

MARVIN: The bully is hit! It bucked a bit from the initial sting of the dart, but the anesthesia on the dart will soon numb the pain.

JIM: The remaining bullies have taken up flight and are now a fair distance away. Watchful of their companion, but ready to run if necessary. They’re not a supportive bunch, even in groups. Competition in bully groups for “Alpha Bully” status is fierce, spurring each on to prove themselves however they can.

MARVIN: The bully is starting to get dizzy!

JIM: Once the bully is on the ground, we can measure and log it, and then put the special tracking collar on it so we can track its range and bullying habits.

MARVIN: (SFX: Loud thump!) The bully is on the ground.

JIM: He’s a big one.

MARVIN: He’s bigger than most bullies we’ve seen!

JIM: These large, garishly colored irremovable collars serve a duel purpose. Not only do they track the bully with a radio signal and a satellite locating system, but they also look extremely silly so the bully will have difficulty poking fun at others or even look threatening while appearing so ridiculous. Soon he will understand what it is like to be the object of harassment and hopefully change his ways.

MARVIN: It’s a drastic but effective method to reduce rampaging bullies from affecting our neighborhoods and schools.

(SFX: Jeep brakes, idling of engine)

MARVIN: By distributing collars to bullies, we are protecting ourselves and providing early warning from approaching menace of dangerous bullies. People like me need to protect myself. You should protect yourself to…with…Mutual of Walla Walla’s Gold Mine Plan.

ANNOUNCER: Mutual of Walla Walla, the people who cancel, present to you our Gold Mine plan which, no matter how much money you put in, you never get any back! Yes, sign up for our Mutual of Walla Walla’s Gold Mine Plan and “Get a Piece of the Shaft”

(Song Jingle: “Get a piece of the shaft!”)

(Sound F/X: Triangle ding)

ANNOUNCER: From Mutual of Walla Walla


Member Comments
Member Date
Mary Elder-Criss08/16/04
David, this is hilarious! I love the idea of the garish collar the bullies must wear, but I must admit that my favorite part is "brought to you from Mutual of Walla Walla...the people who cancel!" Great read! Mary
Dori Knight08/16/04
i loved this david! do those collars come in adult sizes? i know a few people that could use them! blessings!
Melanie Kerr 08/16/04
Love the title! This was so good - very funny, but alos very perceptive! If only we could deal with bullies by a tranquiler dart and a collar!
Dian Moore08/16/04
The people in my house think I'm nuts as I'm laughing out loud as I read this. GREAT JOB! Love it! You need to take this on the road to schools, but would have to change the Mutual reference to something the current group of bullies can relate to. Like the nutcase who jumps on crocodiles.
Colleen Smith08/16/04
Excellent job. Loved this one!
Lucian Thompson08/16/04
Wow...I can see it now...the Mutual of Walla Walla Reality Show; The hunt for primeval bullies. They could have this TV program in each Nation and Country. Now, that's one I WOULD waste my time watching. Know any TV producers?
sue moreland08/16/04
An interesting way to deal with a bully. It was a very creative piece and amusing.
I live in Walla Walla so that caught my eye to begin with.
darlene hight08/17/04
Too Funny! I loved it and the whole idea of performing this in schools is a very fun idea.For some kids a soft approach maybe just what they need to realize what they are doing and the victims will feel a little vindicated by making bullies look silly.
L.M. Lee08/18/04
Oh David, this was a hoot from start to finish! Can't wait to see the live production! GREAT!!!
Sheila Boyd08/19/04
I loved the concept. Very funny. I'm not sure this is the best way to deal with bullies, but it was entertaining. When you mentioned the inner struggle that motivates bullies, I was expecting a more compassionate ending than subjecting them to humiliation in turn. Very clever.
Karen O'Leary08/19/04
Funny and creative!!! Good job.
Henry Swart08/20/04
Very clever. I had the feeling I was watching a wolf being tagged on the nature channel.
Larry Hill08/21/04
Over all I enjoyed reading this one with a smile on my face, however in my humble opinion some of the phrases used by the characters are repeated more than is needed, for instance when Marvin comments that they are bigger than most bullies they have seen and repeats the same phrase shortly again. Good luck in the future and best wishes always.