Welcome to the Office of Official Records at the Gates of Heaven. I am the Procter of the Final Exam of your Lifetime. As you may have already guessed, you are officially dead.
I will be administering your final Final Exam. I will be giving you a series of tests that will clarify your readiness to enter into the Kingdom of God (also officially known as Heaven or unofficially known as “UpYonder”).
You will need to put everything you have with you under your seat (which shouldn’t be much, since you couldn’t take “it” with you) while you make sure you pick up the Number Two pencil provided for you on your writing area. Make sure to bubble in the letters of your name on the front of the test booklet.
Ok, let’s begin. Open to page one. Please answer all of the questions. This first part covers your life as an infant. Make sure you bubble in yes or no for the correct answer. Ready? Go.
As an infant, were you a “mistake”?
Were you a good baby?
Did you sleep through the night at an early age?
Did you potty train early?
Did you throw tantrums?
Did you spill milk?
Did your parents take a lot of pictures of you?
Time’s up! Put your pencils down. You have completed this portion of the test. Now, turn to the next page. This next part will cover your life as a child. Go.
Did you wash behind your ears?
Did you make straight A’s in school?
Did you pick on your brothers and sisters?
Was your room a mess?
Did you always do your homework?
Did you obey your parents?
Time’s up! Please put your pencils down. You are now done with the second section of your exam. Turn to page three in your booklet. These are questions regarding your adulthood. Go.
Did you waste any of your God-given time on foolishness?
Would you say that you have accomplished everything you wanted to do during your lifetime?
Did you have a big house and a nice car?
Did you ever go to the river instead of church on Sunday?
Did you ever lie?
Did you save up a bunch of money?
Did you bring any of your money here?
Ok….time’s up. Put your pencils down, and turn your examination booklets over. Good. My assistant will now pick up the booklets from you.
Alright, now that the booklets have all been collected, we’re going to go ahead and dump them all in the nearest trash bin. What?
Oh, yeah. Those questions didn’t really mean anything on your Final Exam. They were just letting you blow off some nerves, to get ready for the real test.
I will now administer the final portion of this examination. It will count as 100% towards your step into Eternity. Is everyone ready? This part will be a yes or no question, and you will need to answer by raising your hand to answer “yes.”
Does everyone understand? If the answer to the question is yes, please raise your hand. Ok, here’s the question: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Personal Savior?
Ok, I see you…I see you….and oh, yes, you, too…uh-huh, you over there….I tell you what, those of you with your hands raised, please come on over here.
Congratulations! You have been successful in the last portion of your Final Exam of your Lifetime. Here, take your “Final Exam of Life’s” diploma. In single file, please follow the crimson line marked on the floor to your right. At the end of the hallway, you will be met by a man in a robe with scarred hands who will take you to the White Throne Judgment Seat room. There, you will be presented with the treasures you’ve stored up here in heaven.
Now….as for the rest of you without your hands raised up…. let me just say that you have failed the examination completely. And, I’m so sorry to tell you, I cannot reschedule re-testing appointments. You see, at this point in time, there are no second chances.