 |
|
|
Written in memory of Christopher J. Cutler
A true friend and loving father
We miss you
Though her eyes were heavy and she wanted to sleep, she couldn't. There were so many things weighing heavily on her mind. How would she ever deal with what had happened, she thought?
Just as that thought ended, a new thought entered her mind, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest," (Matthew 11:28). How many times had she referred to that Bible verse for herself and for others, she pondered? She needed to think of it right now. She was weary with emotional pain from loss and burdened with guilt from many "I should've and I could've" thoughts crowding her mind.
She truly believed that everything happened for a reason and God was in control, but she couldn't explain or understand this. How is suicide part of your plan, she asked in prayer? This wasn't the first time she questioned God regarding the dreadful end to her friends' life. She still didn't understand. She held onto her faith as a guidance through the mourning, but she still questioned it.
As she lay there awake, she asked Him again as tears fell from her eyes. The pain had taken its toll on her spirit and she was filled with doubt. She felt she would never understand the purpose of her friends' death. There was so much for him to live for and he was so young. He left three beautiful, young children behind that would never have the chance to know their daddy like she had. What was the purpose, she wondered?
Puffy eyes and tormented thoughts led her deeper into prayer as she lay in bed in the still of the night hour. Though she still didn't feel she heard a straightforward answer, she knew her friend had touched many lives and his death had affected many people. It was unexpected, but it had to be a part of God's bigger plan. She knew God was in control and some things in her human life may never be understood. These were the times when her faith became so important.
Through teary eyes that night, she took her weary and burdened heart and once again gave it all to Jesus. She still felt the sadness in her heart, but her spirit felt renewed from the kindness of God's gentle love. Now she could rest. She closed her eyes and drifted off soundly to sleep.
Copyright 2004, Ann Marie "Ree" Brown.
|
|
|
