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Topic: Water (04/26/04)
TITLE: SOMETIMES IT'S A SPLASH THAT GOETH BEFORE THE FALL
By James Snyder
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Right here is where the differences between a husband and wife come to light. Packing for an overnight trip separates the husbands from the wives every time.
Within 10 minutes I had everything I owned in my small overnight bag. Three hours later the good Mistress of the Parsonage was still packing her seven-piece matching Samsonite luggage set.
Why do women need so much luggage when they go on a trip? I can go for weeks with my toothbrush, razor and three neckties. What more does anyone need to have a good time?
Now, I would not complain about all my wife's luggage except for the fact I am the one who lugs it to the car and then into the motel room, which is usually on the third floor.
The word luggage means - he who lugs it will age - and I have.
As a gentleman, I insist on doing this, but as a husband, I secretly dread this aspect of a trip. At times I wish I were not so much of a gentleman.
Just before going out for supper my wife suggested we take our afternoon coffee by the pool.
An excellent idea. Nothing relaxes a person quite like stretching out on a poolside lounge chair with a cup of coffee.
We both luxuriated in the tantalizing surroundings, watching people splash in the pool. At this moment, I made an inane comment I would later regret.
Why is it when you let your guard down your significant other picks it up as a challenge?
The entire mini-vacation would have been a splashing success if I had kept my thoughts to myself where they belong. But, no siree, Brother Bob, I had to share my inner thoughts.
I had to give audible voice to those inner ponderings. When will I ever learn not to pander those inner ponderings? Not on this vacation, to be sure!
I merely said, "Honey look at those people in the pool. They look like they're having the time of their life."
Now, if I could have left it right there I probably would not have gotten into trouble.
"You know," I said dreamily to my wife, "if I had my swimming trunks I'd join them for a good ole swim in the pool."
Then my wife uttered those words that changed the entire course of my mini-vacation and life, as I once knew it. "Dear, you're in luck. I've packed them for you just in case."
Without taking a breath, she continued, "And right after supper you can go swimming."
One thing about being backed into a corner, especially with your wife, there is no escape. The person who built these corners we back into so often never had the presence of mind to build a door.
I have yet to find a corner with a door.
My swimming after supper became the topic du jour throughout our meal and I was not discussing it. Why is it a person can never get a cramp when he needs it?
Nothing would do but following our supper we return to the motel room, get my swimming trunks and head for the pool. As a husband, I have only one goal in life - to please my wife. If I can't please her, at least I try not to cross her.
I had no other option but to follow through and go swimming. I cannot remember the last time I went swimming, but for some reason I had a pair of swimming trunks my good wife dug out of the dresser.
I had forgotten I even had them. My wife does not forget anything. Trust me on this one.
Actually, as it turned out, she did forget one thing. Oh, it was little thing, to be sure. But, she did forget it.
In the last year, I lost 70 pounds. At the time, I was not in a state of mind to weigh all the facts at hand. I did notice, however, the swimming trunks were a little looser than I remembered.
We walked to the pool and I waded out a little, thinking if I got wet it would satisfy the situation. Then I headed out of the pool.
"You're not quitting yet," my wife taunted. "Go up to the deep end and dive in."
I walked up to the deep end and waved to my wife while all the people around the pool looked in my direction. Something came over me. I don't know to this day what?
I lost, among other things, my inhibition and decided to dive in and swim the length of the pool - just to show the Mrs. I still had it, whatever the "it" was.
I dove in, swam the length of the pool and got out on the other side. When I got out, I heard a lady scream and one lady to my left fainted.
Then I discovered something rather dreadful. Sure, I had swum the entire length of the pool but my swimming trunks were still floating at the point of my entry into the water.
Being stark naked, I streaked to my room.
The Bible says, "Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall. There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." (1 Corinthians 10:12-13 KJV.)