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Previous Challenge Entry
Topic: Doors (04/05/04)

TITLE: All My Doors
By Mary Alice Bowles



Through the open doors of a womb, I entered female!
A beautiful creature of hormones that God created because Adam was lonely, but because Adam was lonely, I now know God and the power of his love!
When God created woman he created a soft, crying bottle of love with the power
to bubble over in almost every situation!
I was created to be creative, caring, protective, beautiful, adoring, and
I was created to become my husbands’ wife, Mrs., a help mate for Mister!

Though the opened doors of wedded bliss marched two spirits entwined together,
nestled in the hope that they can become one! I got married in June, the wedding
month for lovers!
Our years together went by quickly; life was wonderful and alive with love!
My five children came one by one, adding to our joys of life!
Time went happily by, day after day of living and loving and just being man and wife!
But, have you not heard the old saying, “things happen”?

The door to my marriage had been left open and my husband of eighteen years decided he would exit with my best friend!
I have never felt such pain! I waited for the earths door to open and
let me slurp through! Let my hands touch the earth and pull it in around my body, Let me stay in this hole until I can breathe no more! “Oh please hide me, Oh God, Just let the earth cover me and let me drown in the beauty of darkness! Let my eyes become holes,
empty, deep holes where I can’t see the hurt”! Let the spirit of me touch not any living thing, for I am dead!
My heart was pulled from my chest and lay bleeding upon the ground, just waiting for me to take one more step! “Oh God, Father of all creation, please help me”!

They say that time heals all wounds, that is, if we live long enough,
but can our mortal flesh stand the stress of the healing time?
Does anyone out there in the reading world understand what I’m talking about?

The sun shined from the ground up, the sky became a dark shade of green!
Gods beautiful green trees became a snarling bundle of twigs, their shadows covering the ground wherein I walked upon! Teardrops fell from my eyes and saturated the leathers on my feet!
The only door left open that I could understand at all was the door of death!
Suicide screamed at me from every corner of my living world!

I was awakened in the middle of the night about two o’clock in the morning,
awakened out of a nightmare filled sleep, where I was wandering around in a maize,
wolves howled from the distance, ready to attack, snakes of coral colors hung above
my head, a fire of red played around my feet and waited to lick my body!
A scream of agony awakened me coming from my own lips, “help me, please somebody help me”!
I crawled out of bed and gazed at the empty side where he once slept, dragging my weary body out of our room, listening to the silence!
There were no lights anywhere, except the light coming from the children’s fish tank, where the fish swam silently and in circles, enjoying their cycle of life. I looked in for the last time at my golden haired baby girl; she lay in her crib, sleeping a deep peaceful sleep, her little face turned toward the window where the moon dropped beams upon her forehead!

I was so tired, the worse tired that I had ever been in my whole life, a mind tired! Tired of thinking, tired of life! I was so tired of all those sleepless nights, where I blamed myself for everything!
I ask myself over and over again, “what could I have done to save my marriage”? “What if I had done this, what if I had done that”, what if I had
been different, would it have made any difference”?
I walked into the den and looked at the gun case on the wall, removing my husband’s favorite gun! I walked into the bath room and sit down on the commode, not thinking that eternity was going to slap me in the face in the next few seconds! I was going straight to hell, without a doubt in my mind, I was going straight to hell and you know what, I couldn’t even feel enough to care! I’m sorry, I was just beat! Life had let me down and all I wanted was to get out!
I sat there in the darkness, with my finger on the trigger, eternity waited!
Just seconds between the ripple of the muscle in my arm and the pull of the trigger, my eyes opened wide and I saw the lights of a thousand daybreaks come bouncing through my cottage windows, night time became day! Total warmth exploded all over my being and I have never felt such love! A voice spoke to me in tones of quiet rushing waters!

“Mary, It is I, remember how long you’ve wanted to see me,
How many times have I heard you say, “Lord, I need to see you,
I need to look upon your face and touch those nail scared hands!
Well Mary, pull the trigger and you will never see me!
You won’t even get to stop at judgment”!

Tears fell from my face and I dropped to my knees. “Oh Lord, please forgive me”! Oh Lord, please forgive me, I am so sorry! Oh Lord, please forgive me!
I need to see you lord, I need to see you Lord, oh Lord, I need to see you”!

My prayers went soaring through the heavens to an on call God!
He never sleeps or slumbers, and he bends an ear to listen to my whispered words!
My burdens flew out the window and disengaged in the air of the April night!
I thanked My God over and over again for sparing my life! I got up off the floor, put the gun back in its case, went to bed and slept the sleep of a new born baby nestled at its mother’s breast!
When the sun came through my bedroom window the next morning, it was the brightest I had ever seen! I heard the robins call their mates to breakfast; a butterfly fluttered its wings of life through my dancing tulips! Five of Gods most precious gifts rushed into my room and screamed, “Mom, what’s for breakfast”?




And the LORD GOD caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof
2:22 And the rib, which the LORD GOD had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man
2:23 And Adam said, this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man
2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

Member Comments
Member Date
L.M. Lee04/13/04
wow...what a unique way to look at the doors some of us have had to walk through.
Naomi Deutekom04/13/04
I hav never come to the point of suicide, but I have been through deep paths of pain. His presence is the greatest blessing he gives us at those times.
Leticia Caroccio04/16/04
I was so touched by your words. It is amazing to see the depths that our hearts and souls can sink to, for whatever reason. Did you realize that the bleaker and darker our days, the brighter the Son shines. His word says that even if we are in Sheol, there He will be, also.

I particularly loved these two lines:

"Let my hands touch the earth and pull it around my body" and "The sun shined from the ground up"

Great job.