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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Vote/Voted off the Island (05/29/14)

TITLE: My Daughter Had A Boyfriend
By Joe Moreland
06/04/14


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My daughter had a boyfriend.

I could stop right there and you probably know the rest of this story, right? It's as old as stand-up comics and daily columnists. Cleaning the shotgun in the livingroom right at the moment he arrives to pick her up for a date. Leaving an axe, a shovel and a plastic drape on the front porch, in plain sight. Floodlights in the front yard that come on automatically at curfew. Sprinkler systems that come on automatically precisely five minutes after curfew.

You know, the usual ways fathers intimidate boyfriends.

Except, I'm not the usual father. I'm...what you might call eccentric. For this reason (and probably many others), I'm typically the last person to know when one of my daughters is dating someone new. My family prefers to procrastinate the moment I come face to face with the mark (my term for “boyfriend”) as long as possible. This includes my wife and son. They all conspire to keep me at arms length.

My closest loved ones are not doing this out of fear that I'll hurt the young man. They are not worried about the shotgun, the axe or the shovel. I don't even have a shotgun. What I have is something much worse.

You see, I learned a long time ago that fear is the best tool for keeping aspiring Romeos at bay; but not fear of physical harm. No, the fear I instill is much more powerful: Embarrassment.

Here are some pointers:

Start by finding him on every social media site you can, and invite him to be your “friend”. Comment on everything he does or says. Poke him a lot.

Get his phone number and text him constantly.

Invite him over to the house, then ask him to help clean out your daugther's car because you're pretty sure he helped mess it up.

Poke him some more.

Every time another girl's name comes up in conversation or on one of the social media sites, ask him “Who's she? Does my daughter know about her?” Send the same question to the girls whose names came up. Send them invitations to be friends, too.

Friend the boy's parents. Ask them lots of questions. Publicly, not privately. Poke them.

Type “lol” all the time. Say “lol” out loud a lot.

Poke the girls whose names came up.

Show up places they go on dates. The movies are really good. There's nothing like popping up from behind them during the trailers to ask if they want some popcorn. My daughters now lie about which movie they are going to see and the theater they are going to see it at, so this one only works once or twice—use it wisely.

Politically, take stances he can't possibly agree with you on. Be outraged on the ban against killing baby seals for their pelts. Go on and on about how pollution is actually good for the environment.

Find out what the mark's father does for a living and rail against that profession as often as you possibly can.

Start building an ark in your front yard. Take his measurements every time he comes over.

Follow him around in your car sometimes. Especially if he's walking.

Show up where he works. Ask for things you know he can't provide. For instance, if he works in fast food go through the drive-thru and order one french fry. Make a scene and ask to speak to the manager. Then pretend you only just realized that this is your daughter's boyfriend and withdraw your complaint.

Repeat at his next job.

Search his car from time to time—make sure you're seen doing it.

Sometime when the mark is visiting at your house, borrow his keys and get copies made. Next time you visit at his house (which should be often), let yourself in with your key to the front door.

Start posting lots of pictures on his social media pages—of yourself.

Poke him and everyone he knows some more.

Cheat at everything. Cards, boardgames, golf, coin tosses; anything you can possibly win by cheating.

Start calling him “son”.

Last, but not least, ask him to be your prayer partner.

I realize this sounds like a lot of effort, but trust me, if you put some elbow grease into it he will vote himself off the island and you too will one day be able to say: “My daughter had a boyfriend.”


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This article has been read 182 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 06/05/14
Oh boy am I glad I'm not your daughter or even more so not your daughter's boyfriend! This was a hoot and I had a dopey grin on my face the entire time.
CD Swanson 06/06/14
Hahahahahahahahahaha!
I'm going to pass this on to a friend who is going "nuts" over her daughter's current boyfriend.

I smiled all the way through this....creative.

God bless~
Gregory Kane06/07/14
Outstanding
Diane Bowman06/07/14
Hilarious!
Maura J. Merrigan06/07/14
Hysterical! Excellent read and very fun, all so funny and true except the fact that not so good advice if the young man just happened to be a great guy and would have been an awesome son-in-law, he broke up with the girl because her father was a crazy stalker! Lolol....great take on the subject!
Allison Egley 06/07/14
Oh, this is great. I'm glad my dad is not familiar with social media.... :D
Noel Mitaxa 06/09/14
Some people suffer from stress; others are carriers. I sense you may be among the latter.
Have you found two syllables being recently added to your name - from Dad to Da-aa-add - with the middle syllable being uttered in a lower note than the other two? If not, you soon will.
Loved the (hopeful) tongue in cheek tone throughout.
Graham Insley 06/09/14
I'm glad you labeled this as 'fiction'... and yet, somehow... Oh well, one can only hope. lol (said out loud)

I really enjoy the way you weave a sense of sincerity into your humor; it pulls the reader in and hooks them into believing the story... but then you go way over the top and blow the sincerity to pieces... I think.

Blessings.
lynn gipson 06/12/14
Hey! Hey! Hey Congrats on placing 3rd in the Master's level! Happy Day! This is quite an achievement, and very well deserved.
lynn gipson 06/12/14
Forgot the congratulate you on the EC! Wow. Great writing here.
Pauline Carruthers 06/13/14
Congratulations - I laughed all the way through this.
CD Swanson 06/13/14
Congratulations Joe!

God bless you~
Tracy Nunes 06/14/14
Oh my goodness...such a hoot! This would make a fantastic comedy sketch from beginning to end. Loved it! Congratulations!
Ellen Carr 06/15/14
Well, Joe, does your daughter still speak to you? This just shows what happens when you let the older generation loose on social media! I loved your cyber-snooping entry which is very deserving of its EC placing. Wonderful humor and very creative in ideas of what (not) to do! Great writing!