Is this on? Great. Let's run through our short-list. My wife would like me home early.
Ahem. This is a closed meeting of the board of Mount Zion Evangelical Church. We are gathered together today in the presence of God to appoint a new senior minister. A transcript will be produced from the audio record at the conclusion of this meeting.
Sorry. I forgot about the introductory bit.
Shhh. It's recording.
Looking through this list, I have certain misgivings about candidate J. It's clear that he was a shrewd businessman before he came into the ministry. Not that there's anything wrong with that. We should all be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. It's just that I could see him getting the church mixed up in some dodgy scheme at some point later on.
I tend to agree. And then there's the matter of his large family. I don't see how the manse can possibly accommodate twelve children. We would end up having to build on an extension and there's no budget for that this year.
Fine. Let's look at M. He's a published author. Any strong feelings either way?
He's rather legalistic. Got to be a load of guilt and condemnation in his preaching.
I'm worried about nepotism. He as much as insisted that we appoint his brother as worship pastor. Could be a dangerous precedent for the future.
Accepted. Who's next?
Er, you all know my feelings about women ministers.
Yes, you've made that quite clear. But we're not allowed to discriminate on the basis of gender.
Okay. But seriously, does anyone really want an ex-lap dancer as their new pastor? I accept that R has a great testimony and no one's arguing that she's a reformed character. But can you imagine any of the sisterhood feeling comfortable about a woman with that reputation calling on their husbands?
Let's move on.
I'm not sure about S. I'm sympathetic to his being a widower. And I'm convinced he would do wonders for our men's ministry. But his girlfriend worries me. I think there's more there than meets the eye.
I'm not bothered about his love life, but his dreadlocks are a different matter entirely. It's not as if we're looking to reach out to hippies or New Agers. We need a pastor who projects an image of respectability, not some Tarzan wannabe.
I quite like N. Solid emphasis on repentance and turning to God. No wishy washy liberalism from him.
It's his extra-curricular activities that bother me.
What do you mean?
Didn't you see his boat? He stuck it on a trailer and brought it along with him for the interview.
So? I've seen you down by the creek with your rod and tackle.
Yes, but his boat is massive. It's built for the high seas, not for some fishing lake. We're hundreds of miles from the coast here. I'm worried that he'll head for the open water the first chance he gets and we won't see him again for the next 40 days and nights.
How about G then? He's dynamic, uncompromising. And people definitely will follow him.
I felt a little uneasy when he was talking about knowing God's will.
Me too. All that stuff about signs from Heaven, of putting the Lord to the test. Sounded way over the top. What's wrong with praying and reading your Bible? People will think we're a bunch of fanatics.
Well then, that only leaves candidate C in the running. Any thoughts?
I like him. Comes from a line of ministers, so he knows what's expected.
I thought his team-building skills were top-notch. And I like the fact that he's a traditionalist. You know where you stand with him.
True, but there's also a prophetic edge to his ministry.
It sounds like we're in agreement. All those in favour?
That's unanimous then. The secretary can write and inform the others of our decision. I'm sure that in the right context each of the others could be a hero of faith, doing exploits for the Lord. But not here.
So that's a no to Rev. Jacob, Rev. Moses, Rev. Rahab, Pastor Samson, Rev. Noah and Rev. Gideon?
It is indeed. But we look forward to welcoming the very Rev. Caiaphas to the pulpit of Mount Zion. I don't see how we could have chosen anyone better suited for the task.
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