Noah and the boys were finding it hard to stay on an even keel, for the trip on the ark was taking much longer than they had anticipated. But they had Noah else to go.
They were safe from the Sirens; those legendary ladies whose seductive singing endangered all sailors when they reached the high C’s; but below deck, it was a real zoo.
Many animals were showing signs of tension and aggression.
A pair of short-fused black and white bears might have caused utter panda-monium; had not their larger white cousins intervened—insisting that they apolar-gise for their behaviour. After all, how much can a polar bear?
Donkey Hotie and Don Coyote both nursed an Impossible Dream. The latter nursed his prairie quest/prayer request with shyness—being more of a coy-ote—but as for the donkey; well hee haw, hee haw, hee hawlways made lots of noise…
The buffaloes’ annoyance was clear. Fancy having to wait two hundred years to celebrate their bison-tenary!
Being only used to short hops, one marsupial had become so disoriented by the long voyage that he developed an identity crisis. He’d been given the sobriquet Kangar-who?
The aardvarks’ aanteating aactivities were very untidy. And since this was before aardvarkuum cleaners had been invented, their mess had to be cleaned up by hand. Which was proving to be very aardvark!
Some of the more placid creatures aboard decided to help Noah and his family by electing a panel to mediate disputes; well aware that some may accuse them of setting up a kangaroo court. The owl was trusted for his wisdom. As king of the beasts, the lion took control—making sure that no-one tigress-ed from the core of each case. With his huge proboscis, the moose could easily sniff out any falsehood, so he proved to be a capable dism-antler of any concocted story; ensuring that no culprit could vam-moose. And as court reporter, the wildebeest kept everyone up with the gnus.
A pretty crime had prompted one Irish traveller to loudly blow his horn at one memorable hearing…
This traveller, Ryan O’Ceros, was quite thick-skinned, but he became very irate when he discovered that a valuable four-pointed tool was missing; for he fancied himself as a handyman. He accused his fellow countryman, Crock O’Dile, of stealing it, a charge which deeply upset the even more thick-skinned Crock. “It wasn’t me!” growled Crock, “You keep your alligations to yourself!”
To everyone’s surprise, the jaguar happily confessed to eating this tool. “Who else would?” he asked. “My badge tells you that I’m a four point two litre Jaguar!”
One afternoon the lion called a recess. “All this stress is giving me a headache. Do you have any pills, so I can start feline like my old self again?” he asked the owl.
“No pills here, Leo,” she replied, as if she couldn’t give a hoot.
“Why not?” grumbled the lion.
“Because the parrots-cetamol!”
One of the panel’s last cases was a ewe-nique example of shear stupidity. The stuttering defendant was ram-bling on and on; trying to pull the wool over the panel’s eyes. The moose confronted him with the glaring contradictions in his story, warning him that everything was being recorded.
“How so?” the defendant countered.
But just then the ark shuddered to a grinding halt, and he stuttered in shock, “I smell A - ra - rat!”
“There’s no rat,” thundered the moose. “We have an elephant in this room; and elephants never forget!” Pulling back on a large curtain, he exposed the massive beast’s two huge tusks. Its wrinkled trunk reached up to pull back a second curtain, before it stepped from its hiding place.
“An elephant!” the defendant gasped sheepishly, staring into the now-empty alcove. “How could they pachyderm in there?”
Author’s note. If you wish to activate your verbal radar to count the puns above, this may be a guide:
10? You need a spell
15? Wordplay will soon become a close and persistent friend
20? You are entering the Groan Zone
25? The Groan Zone will soon be your permanent address.
30+? You’ve groan into a prime punster.
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