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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Park (10/25/12)

TITLE: Coming Home
By Ruth Neilson
10/30/12


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She sat hunched against the bitter north wind. Jennifer lifted her face from the cover of her thick winter jacket and studied the playground intently. She was on the hunt for her hometown. A mere fragment of a memory buried deep within her mind is what drove her on. It was the only one that Moe couldn't completely remove through his carefully crafted lies. The thought of his name caused her stomach to roll violently. She couldn't let him rule her life any longer.

She stood, plunging her hands deep into her heavy jacket, ignoring the dust devil that blew past her and made her way across the park towards the playground. It looked...right. She paused, tilting her head to the side as the wind caught her scarf sending the ends flying up and around her face. Jennifer closed her eyes and stood there, overlaying the memory over what she was seeing. The playground was the closest one that she had seen that matched where she was taken from.

There it was. The scene of where she had been taken. The swing set. She took a deep breath as the church bells rang, signaling that it was noon. The same time that Moe had taken her away. She had gone willingly after all she was always alone at the playground. He promised that he would play with her every day, like she had always dreamed a dad should. A shiver chased down her spine as she relived the moments that lead to a decade of drifting from town to town and being used for his pleasure. She had only been nine when Moe took her...

But, Jennifer was home. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes before taking a step towards the police station she saw when she came into town. It was time to figure out who she really was. It was time to come home.


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This article has been read 101 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Charla Diehl 11/02/12
This left me with too many unanswered questions. Because of the limited word count, maybe opening this with the third paragraph (eliminating the first two) and then explaining why the MC was always alone (homeless? orphaned? or ?) and then I wondered how did she escape from Moe and how many years had passed before she returned here. I'm one for details, so this left me wanting. However, this definitely has the potential to be an intriguing story--just needs a bit more depth.
Laura Hawbaker 11/04/12
Well written. I agree there is a lot more that could be written here.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 11/07/12
This is a great story idea. I loved that you used the park setting for her kidnapping. Parks are seen as an idyllic place for children--a place of safety. I wish you had drawn it out more, perhaps told more what life was like with Moe or what happens after she goes to the police or even how long she has been gone. Your descriptions were great and I thought the take on the topic was original and fresh.