The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
10/11/12
You have captured the trauma of child molestation in such a sensitive way - that highlights the pain without wallowing in salacious details. Great work.
Some interesting characters and scene descriptions. I got a bit lost in the part of the dialogue where Holly says she needs the toilet and who actually accompanies Holly there. Is it Kevin? If he's the molester, why does he cry over the innocence of children? It appears that this children's ministry glosses over the abuse and that raises my ire.
10/12/12
Wow - this was jarring, and disturbing to know this happens so often in our society. Well written...and very sad, comnplete opposite of funny.

God Bless~
I find it very strange too that adults can do this to innocent children. It is also strange that they never seem to think they did anything wrong. You presented it in a sensitive and thoughtful way. Good job!
This left me with tears in my eyes. I immediately realized who or what Uncle Kevin really was and found myself begging that someone else notice and help the poor girl. Then I cried and prayed for the many children who won't find that help in time. As I write this though, I feel a sense of hope that your words and my prayers might just make a difference.

I did notice quite a few little errors like ok instead of okay or OK and in this line: “Aw c’mon, let’s have a smile then,” she cajoled. Uncle Kevin will be sad if we don’t enjoy our special treat.”
You are missing the quotation mark before Uncle. I also wonder if instead of using taglines if you had done a bit more showing that the reader might connect even more with your MC. Like this line: “I need the toilet.” She said. Not only should there be a comma after toilet and a lowercase s but it would have been a great chance to show some of the emotions with something like She winced and crinkled her brow. That may not be a perfect example but I hope it does show what I mean.

There were parts were the showing was intense and painted a vivid picture for me--too vivid as my past rolled in front of my eyes. The ending produced all kinds of emotions in me. At first all I could feel was sadness for Holly but then relief washed over me. I did wonder how she bounced back so easily even to the point of wanting to give Uncle Kevin a drawing. That's when a bit of fear wrapped around my neck as I realized abused children often have strong feelings for their abuser making them vulnerable to others. You did an outstanding job with this very difficult subject. You managed to take me on a whirlwind ride of emotions in so few words. This is a powerful piece for sure!