The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
10/30/10
Nice choice of subject matter. Fits the challenge perfectly. Can't really critique the story as I'm of lower skill than you. But I can give you what I thought was distracting.
You mentioned David quite a few times. I didn't think it was needed and found it distracting from the story.
The strengths of the piece are definitely your descriptions.
Thanks for writing this.

This is a nice retelling of the familiar story. I liked how you really drew the reader inti David's emotions. Nicely done.
11/01/10
David's emotions were eloquently portrayed here. We switched from past to present tense after the first paragraph, but you stuck with the present tense the rest of the way, which is difficult. There were a few descriptions that perhaps would have worked better in past tense, and I, personally, am a fan of leaner narrative voice. But in spite of my bent against it, I was drawn into your story and was fully engaged - the mark of a great writer, in my opinion. Good work!
11/01/10
Interesting! I enjoyed this fictionalization of the well-known Biblical account. David is one of my favorite Bible characters (so much so that I named one of my sons after him!) and I appreciate any chance I have to read about him.

"Descent" is spelled with an "s" in the middle - just for future reference.

Great job!
11/01/10
You showed the deceptive spirit of a desperate man. The final scenes of David's embrace and final words to his "friend" Uriah were pretty disturbing. Well done!
11/02/10
This is excellent for the topic. You've fleshed this story out. I love how this, "the red wine spilling and spreading out like a pool of blood." is a bit of foreshadowing of Uriah's fate.

11/02/10
I like your choice for this topic! You shifted tenses several times, making me stumble, but you brought life and personality to King David, and I could picture the scene and the action like I was a fly on the wall. I really enjoyed this - especially the ending.
Great title, especially when we know what is going happen to David!

You made David very real and I could visualize his pacing and restlessness.
Congratulations for placing 13th in level 4 and 20th overall!