The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
03/02/08
I love how you surprised us by a girl being the one that was getting the best of Nathaniel. You have very good descriptions. You do have a few errors but nothing major. Keep on writing!
Laury
03/03/08
I liked that his opponent was a girl. I'm sure that didn't help his feelings at all! I would have liked to have seen this expanded. Interesting take on the topic.
03/03/08
This is so interesting and I'd love to hear more of this young man's tale.
03/03/08
Reads like a scene from a movie! I could see and hear the grunts, the snaps--very good!

I was a bit thrown off by the masculine pronouns before the gender of the opponent is specified. If you wanted to keep it a secret, could you have gotten around it with some deft wordsmanship? For example, instead of ...and moved to make his next attack, how about ...and moved to make another attack Then you force the reader to go back and go, why didn't I catch that?

Love the action in this...it was great fun to read.

03/04/08
Great job, especially, with the details. I was engrossed.