Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Vision (08/03/06)
TITLE: I Got Lost
By Kenny Blade
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Donít bother asking me how it happened. If I knew, I wouldnít have gotten lost. No one ever begins by saying to themselves, ďI think Iíll wander aimlessly for the next several years with no goal or direction in mind.Ē
Doesnít matter what the intention was when I began. Lost is lost. Sometimes I wish I could say that it was drugs or alcohol. I would have settled for having a girl lead me from the straight and narrow with her charms. Iím easily led astray. She wouldnít have had to work very hard to accomplish the task.
The saddest part of it all is that I honestly have no idea what created the predicament I find myself in. My parents are great. They love each other, me, my brothers and sisters, the dog and are even quite fond of the mailman. I was a good student. Maybe not Valedictorian, but I did graduate tenth in my class.
I had good friends. All of them have pretty much found their path in life. Sure there have been bumps along the way, but they never seem to stray too far from the road they have chosen. I miss them a lot. After high school, life seemed to get in the way of the promises we made to each other.
Sometimes I wish I had turned to a life of crime. It may be temporary in nature, but the excitement of it all would be nice while it lasted. Thatís just not me, however. I couldnít steal a pack of sugar from the McDonaldís in town. I was born terminally honest.
I read once where Billy Swan recorded the song: ďI Can HelpĒ back in the seventies with his bulldog chewing on his leg the entire time. He didnít have enough money to re-record the song, so he toughed it out and sang through the pain of his dog chewing into his calf. If you listen to the song you canít tell it. I would give anything to have that kind of poise under pressure for one minute. I am so envious of that kind of focus and determination that it makes me physically ill to think about it.
Why do I tell you all of this? Who knows? I donít expect you to listen. I quit listening myself years ago. Pain and pleasure carry no distinction in my life anymore. I donít care if you listen. I donít care if you care. Donít get the idea that this is a pity party. You have to have the ability to feel pity before you can throw one of those. The world is flying apart like a dandelion in a strong wind. I used to feel like Israel. Me against the world. Trouble with that is everybody kraps on you and then you get demonized for defending yourself. Israel is supposed to be a ďChosenĒ race. Best I can tell, being ďChosenĒ just plain sucks most of the time.
I finally realized I wasnít chosen for anything. Iím cool with that. The world leaves me alone as long as I donít take a stand against it. I can live with that. My dad used to say that what I did today would determine who I was ten years from now. I guess that has always been the problem. I canít bear the thought of five minutes from now. Seeing me ten years from now is impossible.
I guess what I am trying to say with my trademark rambling is that this is what you are getting. Nothing more - nothing less. Iím not afraid of what comes next because I really donít care. If dad and mom were here, Iíd tell them I loved them. Not because I do, but because it makes them happy. The two of them always lived for tomorrow. I have always waited patiently for the day to come that was too painful to complete. They say heaven is full of hope. I can see the gleam in my grandmotherís eyes when she talks about it. Iíve squinted as hard as I can. I donít see what she sees.
Sheíll be in heaven soon. Iím sure of that. Just like Iíll be seeing you soon. She tells me that the flames there are hotter than anything we can imagine here. Thatís good. Maybe theyíll be hot enough for me to feel them. Itíll be nice to feel something again.
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