Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Vision (08/03/06)
TITLE: I Got Lost
By Kenny Blade
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Don’t bother asking me how it happened. If I knew, I wouldn’t have gotten lost. No one ever begins by saying to themselves, “I think I’ll wander aimlessly for the next several years with no goal or direction in mind.”
Doesn’t matter what the intention was when I began. Lost is lost. Sometimes I wish I could say that it was drugs or alcohol. I would have settled for having a girl lead me from the straight and narrow with her charms. I’m easily led astray. She wouldn’t have had to work very hard to accomplish the task.
The saddest part of it all is that I honestly have no idea what created the predicament I find myself in. My parents are great. They love each other, me, my brothers and sisters, the dog and are even quite fond of the mailman. I was a good student. Maybe not Valedictorian, but I did graduate tenth in my class.
I had good friends. All of them have pretty much found their path in life. Sure there have been bumps along the way, but they never seem to stray too far from the road they have chosen. I miss them a lot. After high school, life seemed to get in the way of the promises we made to each other.
Sometimes I wish I had turned to a life of crime. It may be temporary in nature, but the excitement of it all would be nice while it lasted. That’s just not me, however. I couldn’t steal a pack of sugar from the McDonald’s in town. I was born terminally honest.
I read once where Billy Swan recorded the song: “I Can Help” back in the seventies with his bulldog chewing on his leg the entire time. He didn’t have enough money to re-record the song, so he toughed it out and sang through the pain of his dog chewing into his calf. If you listen to the song you can’t tell it. I would give anything to have that kind of poise under pressure for one minute. I am so envious of that kind of focus and determination that it makes me physically ill to think about it.
Why do I tell you all of this? Who knows? I don’t expect you to listen. I quit listening myself years ago. Pain and pleasure carry no distinction in my life anymore. I don’t care if you listen. I don’t care if you care. Don’t get the idea that this is a pity party. You have to have the ability to feel pity before you can throw one of those. The world is flying apart like a dandelion in a strong wind. I used to feel like Israel. Me against the world. Trouble with that is everybody kraps on you and then you get demonized for defending yourself. Israel is supposed to be a “Chosen” race. Best I can tell, being “Chosen” just plain sucks most of the time.
I finally realized I wasn’t chosen for anything. I’m cool with that. The world leaves me alone as long as I don’t take a stand against it. I can live with that. My dad used to say that what I did today would determine who I was ten years from now. I guess that has always been the problem. I can’t bear the thought of five minutes from now. Seeing me ten years from now is impossible.
I guess what I am trying to say with my trademark rambling is that this is what you are getting. Nothing more - nothing less. I’m not afraid of what comes next because I really don’t care. If dad and mom were here, I’d tell them I loved them. Not because I do, but because it makes them happy. The two of them always lived for tomorrow. I have always waited patiently for the day to come that was too painful to complete. They say heaven is full of hope. I can see the gleam in my grandmother’s eyes when she talks about it. I’ve squinted as hard as I can. I don’t see what she sees.
She’ll be in heaven soon. I’m sure of that. Just like I’ll be seeing you soon. She tells me that the flames there are hotter than anything we can imagine here. That’s good. Maybe they’ll be hot enough for me to feel them. It’ll be nice to feel something again.
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