Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: FINISH (05/26/16)
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TITLE: Mother | Previous Challenge Entry
By Dot Hannah
06/01/16 -
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June 1, 2016
“I’ve got this,” Eric thought to himself, as he rounded the corner toward the finish line. He had trained for years, but the last four with great intensity, and was in the best shape of his life. He had even moved across two states in order to train under the most highly sought after coach, and he said to himself, “I’m not about to lose this race to anyone.” Excitement mounted as the sweet smell of victory filled the air.
Mary Ann stood glaring at the coverage on the television. The result had been known instantly around the world, and all she could do was smile. For four years she had patiently cared for her mother waiting and wondering if her brother would shoulder his part of the responsibility after the Olympic Games. She never allowed herself to feel resentful, but she did want to live her life and chase her ambitions as he had. Eric was in his prime and demanded that she allow him this dream. She was proud of him but was eager for new challenges in her life as well. “He has won, she thought, and he will become a prize in demand for the entire country.”
They had both promised their father, as he lay dying, that they would take care of their mother who had dementia. At the time, Mary Ann had no idea how difficult it would be and that she would be on her own. Even so, she adored her mother and had never considered putting her in a nursing home. However, the opportunity to pursue her plans was slipping away, and she was becoming more and more frustrated.
Eric’s return home had been the occasion for such celebration as the town had never known. On the afternoon of that eventful day, Mary Ann was beside herself with excitement and admiration for her brother. She would not have chosen to be elsewhere on earth. Oh, if their father had only lived to see it all and their mother able to comprehend it. How proud they would have been. The victory had come as a result of long years of grueling work and specific goals. Nothing comes easy in this life, especially a gold medal.
After thanking her neighbor for staying with her mother while she attended the celebration, Mary Ann sat inhaling the delicate aroma of a steaming cup of raspberry tea and began to reflect. Her affectionate mother had always had a spirit of self denial for the good of her family, such as the financial sacrifices for Eric’s coaches and her enthusiastic devotion to her. Among her most cherished personal reminiscences, between slow sips of tea, were the carefree summer days the three had spent together and the tender devotion, optimism, and humor her mother had. She had always been available and stood out as the grandest mom ever.
Later, she heard the crunch of tires on the gravel outside. Eric entered and flashed a big grin, warmth and love in his eyes. The two of them had refused to allow their mother’s disease to tear their family apart. He stared into her tired eyes for a long moment before saying, “I can’t imagine the stress you’ve been under. Don’t look so worried, little sister.” She briefly stood speechless before confessing, “I would be lying if I said I am not fearful of what lies ahead. However, I am convinced that there is a God and to Him, there are no mysteries.”
“I have signed a lucrative endorsement offer, and I now have the money to hire a nurse to care for our mother. You can go back to school,” Eric replied. His generous offer would be tremendously helpful, but through much prayer Mary Ann’s perspective had changed. She actually had made up her mind that she would see the responsibility through as she had started it. Her brother’s medal could not equal the proud privilege she had been given to care for their precious mother and honor her as long as she was alive. What had once been frustrating had suddenly blossomed into such a sweet blessing.
Eric listened with intentness as she explained and was flooded with amazement. A little flame of youth and gaiety reappeared in her eyes, now that the matter was settled. They sat a long time in silence remembering their family as it had once been and thanking God for the loyalty they felt for their mother and each other.
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“I have signed a lucrative endorsement offer, and I now have the money to hire a nurse to care for our mother. You can go back to school,”
doesn't sound like a brother talking to a sister. Instead he might say. "Guess what! Nike offered me a ton of money just to wear their sneakers. I'm gonna hire a nurse for Mom, and you can finally go back to school."
Just little things like using contractions can make it sound more natural.
You did a great job though, and I think you were on topic. The conflicts drew me in and felt real too.