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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Work (07/27/06)

TITLE: So Many Questions
By Glenn A. Hascall
07/28/06


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I can feel the liquid squeeze from angry eyes. When I stopped caring is beyond the veil of memory. The uniquely formed droplet falls to the hard tiled floor and I watch in ragged frustration as it pools with its own fellowship of mutual suffering.

There are moments when someone comes in to turn me over. I feel like I am some steak on a grill. Im humiliated and I can do nothing but weep.

In my mind I can conjure up anger and rail against the injustice. The term if only is a dark companion as I lament the mighta beens. There once was life outside this room. There are places I go to in my dreams that were once tangible, warm and welcoming.

Now there are just the tortured taunts; perhaps they come from me or maybe some other darker place. You will never be able to do anything. You are worthless. Why dont you just curse God and die?

I often believe the inner accusations. What good am I strapped to this contraption? What will I be able to do with my life now that Ive been shattered? Why shouldnt I tell God what I think and quietly slip into something dark and final? Why!?

The moments of my bodily betrayal are lost to me. One moment I was enjoying life and the next I am incapable of even the simplest task.

I gaze at the sheet covering my feet and I concentrate on making them work. This is ridiculous theyve always obeyed my will before. I gaze at my arms and they hang limp mocking my efforts.

This was the type of thing that happens to other people. This is the kind of thing that happens to those who are gifted at taking adversity and making them into motivational speeches. This was not the kind of thing that should happen to someone who just wanted to get through high school without being noticed.

The flowers and balloons were reminders that I had been noticed. I suppose I should have been grateful that so many had expressed interest in my welfare, but I just wanted to be left alone. Then again, I had hadnt I? Left alone?

Where was God when my neck cracked like a rotted limb? Where was He when my mind asked my legs to work and they refused? Where was He when my weeping heart found it hard to breathe? Where was He!?

I cant even shake my fist at God. I am hopelessly broken. The inner well of anger is being anesthetized. They tell me this is to be expected, but I dont really care about some magic formula for improved mental health. Im in no mood to learn a new skill.

What do they know about what I feel? Have they gone weeks without the use of their body? Have they gone through the humiliation of a catheter and personal cleansing at the hands of another? Have they waged an inner war of pain and frustration? Have they?

Who will want me in the shape Im in? Who would marry someone like me? How could I parent a child? Who would employ someone like me? Is there any hope? Is there?

If only these legs would work. If only my fingers would move. If only my knees would bend. If only.

I am a prisoner in a worthless body. My entire future is clouded by the inhumanity of a life depriving moment. I am not strong. I cannot face a life this hard. IT IS NOT FAIR! Do you hear me God? Do You?

Do You care?

Where were You when I needed you most? You could have stopped this from happening. You could make my legs work again. You could wake me up from this nightmare. You could.

Im tired of looking at the floor and I am tired of seeing useless limbs. Im tired of probing nurses, and doctors who talk at me instead of to me. Im tired of the pitiful stares of others. Im tired of the circus atmosphere my life has become. I am tired.

In the midst of the pain Im unnerved by an unexpected whisper, Come boldly to the throne of your gracious God. Here you will receive My mercy, and will find grace to help when you need it most.

Oh, God, make my heart work. I cant see it, but Im reaching. Do You see me? Will You help me?

Will You?


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This article has been read 882 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Sally Hanan08/03/06
A gracious reminder of how hopeless and helpless life can seem at times, but yet we still have Someone we can call on, Someone who can trickle hope through the depression and anger of being left powerless. Good writing, you definitely fot into her mind.
Melanie Kerr 08/04/06
You communicated the frustration and helplessness of the character well. God does not promise to take away the hard times, but He does promise to be with us through them.
Marilee Alvey08/05/06
My heart aches as I read this. So young...and how long a life will he/she be imprisoned like this? Yet, as long as this life seems, it's nothing if you measure it with eternity. If you truly want hopeless, face eternity without our Savior. We have so much brokenness here on the earth. Some can be seen, some not. You have touched my compassion in this story. God bless.
Lynda Lee Schab 08/06/06
While reading, I felt almost guilty for "eavesdropping" on the bitter thoughts of this person. I agonized and sympathized with him (or her) and at the same time wanted to give him an encouraging pep talk. Nicely done - you've put your reader directly inside your character's head which is the sign of a great writer. Bravo!
Jan Ackerson 08/07/06
As the mother of a daughter with a spinal cord injury (though not as extensive as that of your main character), I can say that you have PERFECTLY captured the despair. This is an fantastic piece of writing, and so real that it makes me wonder if you might know such a person yourself.
T. F. Chezum08/07/06
I could feel the frustration. Very well written.
Rita Garcia08/07/06
Fantastic writing, leaves one asking questions of themselves!
Helen Paynter08/07/06
Fantastic writing which really drew me in. My only quibble was the first paragraph, which I found a little overdone for my taste. But an excellent piece, nonetheless.
Allison Egley 08/07/06
Very well written. It drew me in and didn't let go. I was wishing I could somehow help the main character.
Joanne Sher 08/07/06
Such vivid, VIVID description! I truly felt like I was inside this person's mind. LOVED the response to God's call - so honest and "bare" - as were all the thoughts. Fine, fine work!
Venice Kichura08/07/06
WOW! You did an excellent job of portraying the pain in such a situation!
Brenda Craig08/07/06
Absolutely gut-wrenching. What an incredible piece of writing. My heart hurts after reading this, yet hope springs eternal. Wonderful job!
Marilyn Schnepp 08/07/06
So many questions - and so few answers. Beautifully done and masterfully written, but this heart-wrenching story gave my faith a real workout - That's for sure.
Shari Armstrong 08/09/06
Heart breaking - very well done.