Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Walk (07/20/06)
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TITLE: A beacon to the wise... | Previous Challenge Entry
By Karen Ward
07/26/06 -
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A beacon of warning. Wise men heed the signal, fools ignore it at their peril.
As my footsteps stilled, I realized I was breathing hard now, having run all the way from the end of Jared’s street, where the party was still in full force.
“Just what are you trying to tell me?” I shouted into the darkness, desperation clinging to my voice. I sunk to my knees, dropping my head over the edge of the jetty as if to look for answers in the murky waters below.
Relentless as the waves lapping the shore, was the knocking at the door of my soul, yet I could not bring myself to turn the key. How could I now?
Two years ago today I closed that door in His face. The reason for that still remained, along with baggage that I’d collected along the way. For some reason though, tonight I felt pursued.
A guttural laugh escaped my lips as the irony hit me. Why of all the places that I could have run did I end up here? This jetty. The place I’d walked and talked with my mother, and given my heart to God. The place I’d come to whenever I needed to feel close to God. How could I end up here now?
Why did I run anyway? Jared’s party was exactly as I had expected it to be. Phil was drunk, and ready for what I thought I wanted. I had seen my counselor at family planning, and I was prepared. Ha! Not as prepared as I thought or I wouldn’t have told Phil I needed to go for a walk. I’m glad he was drunk enough not to want to come with me.
I straightened up and stared into the night sky. “Why here? Why now? Why tonight? If it’s really you and you want my attention, why not before? You know what I’ve been doing! If you are real you have seen me breaking every rule that I ever knew. Why didn’t you stop me before? If you care, WHY DID YOU LET HER DIE?” My despair had turned to anger, and my anger dissolved into tears as I recalled the last time I had seen my mother.
Pale against the white hospital sheets, she had spoken words of reassurance and hope. “Don’t let this harden your heart my darling. God knows best. Trust Him. He will be with you, even though I will not. Walk with the Lord and you will find peace.”
Peace. Ha! How could I have peace trusting in the One who failed me? The One who let cancer take my faithful, loving mother before her time.
No longer able to shout, I clutched my stomach and sobbed. “Why did you let her die?”
Time stood still as I waited for an answer. No audible reply, yet I relaxed. I closed my eyes, almost believing that loving arms were wrapped around me, protecting me from the harsh reality of life without my mother. Holding me close like a child in need of comfort. I gave myself up to the sensation, wishing it would never end.
How could this be? Could God really care after all that I had done to hurt Him? The moment I was told that my mother had died, a part of me died too, the part that listened to God. How could he want me back after the last two years? I despise the things I’ve done, and yet I did them willfully. Could I be forgiven? The whisper in my soul held hope...
Walk with me.
After all that I’ve done?
Walk with me.
Light flashed past and I lifted my eyes to the lighthouse again. A beacon to the wise.
“OK Lord. I’m turning the key. If it’s not too late, I’ll walk with you again.”
I stood, savouring the feeling of letting Jesus into my heart again. Certain that my mother, in Heaven, was rejoicing.
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