The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/21/06
I really like this story, so I'll give you three little things that you might want to look at to bump it up a notch:

Change spelling of "course" to "coarse". Take a look at the first paragraph; there are three sentences with very similar structures ("as...") Add some variety for more reader appeal. Finally, consider ending with "Do you have to rush off?" You've beautifully led your readers to the right conclusion, and they don't need the neatly wrapped package.

You've put in enough detailed touches to make your readers feel as if we're there with you. Really nice job.
07/21/06
I agree with the previous comment. You have a pretty good story until the neat wrapping paper at the end. I understand this is the message you want to get across, and you did it well. But there are more creative ways to say it, still be clear, and touch the heart.
07/23/06
Since you are in Advanced, commenters are more prone to be nit-picky in this level; however, I will just say that you did a good job, and your story gave me food for thought...regarding the soul.
Thank you.