He was my first love. I was young and he was my whole world. He wrote me often…passionate, poetic prose declaring his never-ending love for me. Letters written straight to my heart from his. I read them often, basking in the contentment of being wholly known and still wholly loved.
“How precious also are your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!”
Our relationship grew and flourished. My love took care of me in every way, fulfilled my every need. He spoke of great plans for our future together. He was always there. Perhaps that’s why I began to take him for granted. I forgot what life was like before him, never dreaming I would go back there again.
“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life…nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39, NKJV)
Nothing could separate him from me…except me.
As I grew, other lovers caught my eye. They had much to offer, so it seemed, and I was more than willing to receive. Then, as it always goes, it was my turn to reciprocate. Most took far more than they gave. They gave me fun; I gave up my faith. They gave me their time; I gave them my trust. They gave me intimacy for a moment; I gave them my innocence forever. I gave all that I was until there was nothing left. No love, no letters, no life.
It was a bright, sunny Sunday when I forced myself to face myself. Another morning after. The harsh sunlight hurt my eyes and cruelly exposed the ugliness that I had become. This was supposed to be a day of rest, but I found none. Hollow eyes stared back at me in the mirror, then blurred as they filled with tears. I blindly reached for pills to deaden me further, but found what I thought I’d lost… his letters.
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11, NKJV)
How could it be? My love surely hated even the thought of me by now. He gave me everything he had and I left him for smooth words and empty promises. Even if he would mercifully take me back, I had nothing to offer him anymore. I was empty, broken, dirty and used up. Who would want someone like that?
“When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.” (Psalm 27:10, NKJV)
Hesitantly, I read his words again. Slower this time, and further, deeper. His promises were all still there, but I now realized they were conditional. I had a part to play in this relationship. It was time to grow up. And even though I had been unfaithful, he was not. He reached out to me, beyond all the filth that covered my soul. Like a king taking a prostitute as a bride and loving her like the most precious jewel on earth.
“Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22-23, NKJV)
I was back in His arms again. Gone was the crippling burden of guilt and shame that had tormented me and held me prisoner for so long. I was clean and whole, able to love freely again, without question or reservation.
“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1, NKJV)
Only My Love could do such a thing. But now, He was not only the Lover of my soul, but the Lord of my salvation…and forever would be.
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