The needle shook in her trembling hand. She could feel the prick against her arm. Her heart raced, even her mouth started salivating just at the thought. Her whole body knew what was coming next. It wanted it. Bad.
She had tried to make it through another day, she really had. But the pain had become unbearable. The old couple walking hand in hand near the gardens, a young father in the park pushing his daughter on the swing, two young teens entangled in each other on the corner; scenes that cut open the scars imprinted on her soul. Broken pieces of her childhood that still haunted her. Reminders of the shallow, emptiness of her life. A void so deep her soul cried crimson tears.
She just wanted to escape the pain. Just for the night. Just for a moment. One moment of not feeling the holes in her soul. Of not feeling them bleed.
Her thumb pressed against the syringe but she hesitated. Her mind screamed: Just do it. Just press it in. It’ll stop the pain. It always does.
Her voice was barely a whisper. "Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.”
She repeated the verse over and over again. Her hand faltered. She gripped the needle in a clenched fist. Tears built up in her eyes but she refused to let them fall. "I don't want this pain. I don't want it! Can’t You hear me?"
She rocked back and forth hugging her knees to her chest, pressing her forehead into them until it hurt. Yet still she refused the tears.
“Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.”
She hoped the words would give her comfort, maybe even strength, but all she felt was the angry frustration at being denied relief. She hurled the needle across the room and let out a muffled scream.
Walking across the room, she felt numb, defeated. Squirting the heroin into the toilet bowl, she watched her only chance of alleviating the pain flush down the pipes.
She wanted to yell out to Him - “There! Are you happy?” - but she refrained. As she retreated under the covers, her body shivered from the emotional battle yet she muttered a half-hearted thank you.
She felt a cool wetness where her cheek met the pillow. She could no longer hold back the tears. “Please,” she whispered into the darkness. “Please take the pain away. Someday. Please.”
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