The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
07/15/06
This is a good story. Very touching. One observation to point out. Keep in mind that this is from my own perspective but I don't know how the judges will feel when it comes to the criteria of how well did the story meet the challenge topic. "Great" seemed to be a passing phrase within the middle of a very good story rather than the story focusing on the subject of something great. But keep in mind I'm not an expert on writing, just a mere reader.

The story itself is very captivating. I was drawn into the tears of the mother and the remorse of the child. Thank you for sharing this.
This one touched my heart as I recall my own daughter's senior year. We faced a similar situation and, thankfully, it was a great teacher. Thanks for sharing! I'm wondering if this a personal story....Hmmmm
07/17/06
Weak on Topic, yes; but great on emotion. After such an emotional ride, I thought the ending was a bit disappointing; However, it is a story that captures the heart of any parent.
07/18/06
I could see and relate to the topic all the way through! God IS greater than any situation and you relied on Him throughout.

Wow! This is great! (pun inteneded) Well written indeed!

'Her heartache was etched all over her words.' (my favorite discription)

'I would have to do it through the phone.' 9one of my favorite parts)

Loved the consequences! :)
07/18/06
Good job - you can really feel the emotion. Personally, I would rework the last line a bit.
It's a very powerful story.
07/18/06
I started a comment but I think it might have gotten lost in cyberspace; if it turns up ahead of this comment, I apologize.

Your article is full of emotional impact!

In my humble opinion, where it loses some of the impact is when you must explain something. Your dialogue and short sentences linked with the dialogue telling about the tears on both ends of the phone are fine. In particular the third paragraph seems to drag a little. The information is needed, but coming where it does and in the form it does, after an opening that immediately rings the alarms in most mother's hearts...

Maybe shorter sentences mingled with the regret that a Mom would have over this situation of having to live temporarily as a family divided.

I liked the way you told us how Kenni had matured emotionally through this crisis, and how Mom realized the fact. Great writing!
07/18/06
Great emotions here, tugged at my heart.

I agree, the last line could be reworked, but this is so wonderfully written and should definitely be submitted.
07/18/06
Heart-wrenching, but a wonderful mother, movingly protrayed. Work on eliminating dialog tags--the maturity level of your piece will increase by leaps and bounds. I really liked this a lot.
07/18/06
Great mom and daughter dialogue! Good job!
This story flows and stays on track. :)
07/18/06
An emotional story and an important topic for an all too common tragedy. Dialogue between mother and daughter was very real and the mother did a beautiful job both listening and communicating. Well done.