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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Abundance (06/08/06)

TITLE: The deal of your life
By T. F. Chezum


I saw him sitting on the bench engrossed in a book. My mind raced with excitement, This should be easy. He seems so self-assured, he doesn’t even know I’m watching. I stayed silent as I approached so not to distract or alarm him, I’ll sway him in a matter of minutes. I savored the thought of victory. “Excuse me sir,” I placed a hand on his shoulder. “Are you ready to make the deal of your life?”

“No, I don’t think so,” he never glanced up.

“What can it hurt?” frustration began to build, but I was determined to gain another conquest. I maneuvered around to stand in front of him, “At least tell me your name.”

He marked his place and gave a disconcerted look, “Pat.”

“Well, Pat, today’s your lucky day. I’ve got whatever you need to change your life forever. All you have to do is say the word. Let me know your desires” I wrung my hands with anticipation.

“Really, I’m not interested,” he raised his book and began to study. It glistened in the sun, the words Holy Bible emblazoned the cover

I stepped back. “Please, put down that wretched document and listen to what I have to offer,” The irritation in my voice was all too apparent.

“I have all that I could possibly wish for already. My life is more than plentiful,” he jabbed me with his disinterest. “Does my Bible bother you?”

“I just don’t want anything to distract you. You need to hear my proposal,” I tried to disguise my displeasure.

He did not respond.

“You can enjoy carnal pleasures beyond your wildest imagination,” I gestured to a young lady walking past a nearby fountain. “Do you see how she’s dressed? She’s advertising, she wants you.” I sat near my perspective young client, “She can be yours, or anyone you yearn for. You want her, I know you’re curios.”

“I have inner peace, eternal life through God’s love” he smiled. “He has given me a plethora of riches beyond anything you can possibly offer.”

“You can’t live on your precious tranquility. Love won’t pay your bills,” I could not control my disgruntled tone. “What are you waiting for? I offer immediate gratification.”

“I’m not interested.”

“You can feel euphoria, escape from the drudgery of a monotonous life,” I pointed to a group of young men laughing and carrying on as they built a pyramid of beer cans. “Look at them, happy, content, and full of life,” I smirked. “A few friends, a couple brews, that’s all you need. You don’t know what you’re missing. It’s intriguing, you know you’re tempted.”

“Why would I want to dull my senses and miss the beauty that God delivers every day?”

“Dull your senses? It’s experiencing a heightened sense of reality,” desperation consumed me, I couldn't change him. “You know it’s nothing bad, even Jesus made wine. How can you refuse?”

“I’ve heard enough. Jesus died for people’s quest for carnal pleasures, their pursuit of instant gratification, for everything that’s wrong in this world … for me.” The young man held his holy book in plain view, “I’ve made my choice, this is all I need. I live by His word. He promised more than I can imagine, more than I could possibly ask for, more than I ever deserved.” He pulled the Bible to his chest, “Please leave me. I will not entertain your vile proposition,” he looked toward the sky and began speaking in a soft tone.

I couldn’t decipher what he was saying, “What are you doing?” Rage built within me, “I’m not finished here.”

He continued as if he didn’t hear me.

“Are you praying?” my wrath could no longer be controlled. “Stop it now! I command you to stop!”

He stared straight through me, “You have no power over me.”

“How dare you defy me! You don’t know what you’ve just done, or what I’m capable of.” Venom laced every word that spewed from my mouth, “You might be able to resist me, but not everyone can. What of your friends, your family? I can easily find another who will be more than happy to make a contract with me.”

I see my next victim, sitting there looking so self-assured, probably doesn’t even know I’m watching. I’ll sway this one in a matter of minutes. You feel a cold hand on your shoulder. An eerie voice catches your attention, “Excuse me. Are you ready to make the deal of your life?”

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This article has been read 959 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Debbie OConnor06/15/06
Great message, nice title. This was a fun read.
Sherry Wendling06/15/06
Clever slant on abundance as the enemy's counterfeit! Well-written, nice flow.

One note: In a several places you punctuated as if for a dialogue tag, when it was actually a separate sentence. For example, "You need to hear my proposal,” I tried to disguise my displeasure." Less confusing for the reader to use a period and make it two sentences.

Nitpick notwithstanding, I really like this one!

Venice Kichura06/16/06
I agree--This is a creative piece on how 'old slew foot snags us....Oh, but the power of prayer!
Melanie Kerr 06/17/06
Your opening paragraph caught my attention. I liked the closing paragraph too. At first I thought it might be a time-share salesperson or something! "“What can it hurt?” frustration began to build.." came far too early in the narrative. Pat had not said enough for that to happen. I am not sure that the content of the dialogue rang true. It was almost a philosophical debate at times.
terri tiffany06/20/06
Nice twist! I enjoyed the voice behind it. Good beginning and great tie up.:)
Brenda Craig06/20/06
I wasn't sure where you were going and that kept me interested. I was surprised to discover who the salesman was. That is the enemies goal; always. I think the fact that Pat was reading the Word, and praying enabled him to see the attack. Great job!
Maxx .06/20/06
very strong writing, as we've come to expect from you. Great message as well. Your dialogue has really improved over the months. I think the frustration came a beat too early ... but aside from that, right on!
George Parler 06/20/06
Excellent twist. Captivating read. A nice creative angle with this story. Good job.
Sally Hanan06/21/06
I particularly liked your twist halfway through when it dawned on me that this was no normal salesman.
Jan Ackerson 06/21/06
Oh, very clever! I liked this a lot.