Naked, I fell to my knees. I needed Him. My clothes sat beside me. Scattered reminders of a concealed, self protected life.
“God, it’s over. I can’t live…like this.”
Over? I don’t think so. Don’t bow your head in shame. I’m not ashamed of you.
Obedience won. Nausea welled up inside as my face lifted and caught sight of the vile reflection in the mirror.
“God, I’m broken. Not a day can go by where I don’t give in to sin. And I don’t know why. I feel like I hate everything and everyone…for no good reason. I’ve sunk and I don’t want to get up…I don’t think I can.”
With a mighty roar the wind tumbled towards the unsuspecting pine. A violent struggle ensued. A single tree trembled in the hand of the mighty wind. Its branches writhed for an unattainable supremacy.
You’re tired because you’re always fighting me and my words that I have spoken over your life.
“God, it’s hard. I look in the mirror and all I see are my lies, the shame, the fear, the anger, the bitterness…that’s what I am…garbage.”
Stop! It hurts too much when you talk like that. You’re my child, my precious one whom I love. I fashioned you and formed you. You are not a mistake, or garbage. I love you.
Tears formed. Slowly, they made their way down my cheeks and washed my colorless face. Revelation approached. I could sense it.
“God, why can’t I do the right thing? Why…”
Until you let go of your own will, I can never work through you. And in turn, you will continue reacting and allowing the anger, the guilt and the shame to overwhelm you. My child, you say that you love me, but when will you let go and let Me in?
The wind continued. It never wavered. The tree refused to give in to its pressure and continued the struggle. Needles blew sardonically through the winds almighty breath. Evidence of the brutal death that was drawing near.
I wept. My body trembled from the recent acknowledgement, yet was horrified by the revelation.
“I can’t.” A faint whisper escaped from my parched lips.
You can. I will help you, but you have to want to give up.
I knew this day would come. The day of purging. The day where my security blanket would be ripped from my clutches. The day when I would have to realize that I could trust Him with everything.
The day I fell-to Him.
A swell. A change of pressure. The pine, tired from its struggle gave in to death.
“I’m scared God. What if…”
I clamped my mouth shut. Terror encompassed my being. He would surely destroy me.
I will destroy you, but through death comes life. With life comes unquenchable peace, free from control and worry. The question is, do you want to truly live?
My mind quieted. A perfect stillness hung in the air. A question stood before me. But it was more than a question, it would evoke change. The stillness was broken by an unwanted fiend.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
I dare not speak out loud. Reminders of past mistakes clouded my mind.
You are my child. An ocean couldn’t hold the depths of love I have for you and you alone. Shame holds no power over your life.
But what will people say? What if He asks me to leave my city, my job? What will I do…
I will always supply your needs. My needs and wants for your life will become your needs and wants. I have a destiny waiting for you that is perfect for you and I should know. It was I who created you.
My face bowed in holy reference. My body trembled while my heart wept at the unmasked beauty of His presence.
Was I ready to let go of the past, the pain, the worry and the fear?
I knew it was what I needed to do.
“Yes. I …need you.”
Something I’ve wanted, yet never known, entered my spirit. Something that could never abide in the presence of fear or control.
The wind quieted. The sun glistened off the trunk of a newly sprouted pine. New life had begun.
The struggle was over.
“God, take me. Break me. I am Yours.”
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