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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Joy (05/18/06)

TITLE: The Joy of Soup
By Cassie Memmer


“Helll-ooo and welcome everyone to ‘The Joy of Soup!’ I’m Hulia Bile and with me
today is Suzarrde Sammers. I’m so glad to have you visit our show, Suzarrde.”

“Thank you, Hulia. I’m tickled to be here.”

Hulia beamed for the camera. “Today we are making a fascinating composition! Let’s
get started.” She picked up a big soup pan, sat it on the stove and turned the flame on
high. “This recipe has been honed from forty years of cooking and searching for the
perfect food.

“Now Suzarrde, what should we expect from food?”

“Well, satisfaction...”

“Yes, and?” Hulia pointed to the show’s marquee.

“And joy!” Suzarrde giggled.

“Yes, eating should generate JOY!” chuckled Hulia. “And today we’re making Joy Soup
on ‘The Joy of Soup.’

“Let’s see... “ Hulia stroked the bottom of the kettle and without realizing it left the skin
of two fingertips sizzling in the pan, “yes, our pot is hot. First pour in about 3/4 cup of
cod liver oil and throw in 5 cloves of garlic. Often, Suzarrde, foods aren’t satisfying if
made with artificial ingredients, but Joy Soup is made with only the finest, tastiest, all
natural elements. Mmmm, don’t you love the smell all ready? Are you okay, Suzarrde,
you’re looking pale. Could you saute the garlic while I get the chicken?”

Suzarrde swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and said, “Yes, Hulia, I’ll... I’ll try... What
about the skin...”

“Oh, there’s no skin, we’re using boneless, skinless chicken. Take a hammer and
thrash it.” She pounded the poultry passionately. “Then toss it in the pan with the
garlic and fish oil.

“For spices, we’ll not use dried herbs in bottles. We’re going to use a slab of baby back
barbequed ribs... julienned. That’ll supply all the spices we need. Stand back,
Suzarrde, while I whack these ribs with the meat cleaver... Oh... it feels good to take out
your frustrations like this! ...Heh heh, no need to be afraid, Honey,” Hulia huffed as she
wildly wielded the weapon.

“There,” she said, dropping rib slivers into the pot. “Next we need broth, so let’s add
four liters of Mt. Dew, that’ll create just the right amount of zing to our soup. Healthy
too, there’s a little orange juice in there, you know.

“Keep stirring, girl... For creaminess we’re including a half-gallon of vanilla ice cream,
all natural, of course. For tartness, a cup of dill pickle juice. And what would soup be
without salt? So add a pound of anchovies. Mmmm, I can taste it now, can’t you,
Suzarrde? Suzarrde, I’m worried about you, you’re looking slightly green.

“We need just a bit of bitterness to balance the ambience, so add a tablespoon of
chinchona bark, that is, quinine. And the pièce de résistance, a whole coconut
meringue pie for sweetness... What’s the matter, Suzarrde? Are you feeling faint? Is it
the lights? They are bright, aren’t they? Keep stirring, girl, we don’t want it to stick!

“Now that we have the foundation of our soup, it’s time to add the joy. Comfort foods
bring us priceless pleasure, don’t they?

“For those watching at home, if you miss this list just scribble a note or call
1-888-555-Help and we’ll send you this resplendent recipe.

“Here we go: Add, one whole fried chicken, 1 bottle of catsup, 5 cups of mashed
potatoes, a pint of chicken gravy, throw in some leftover biscuits, 3 fried green
tomatoes, a one-pound chocolate bar, 3 chopped onions, 2 peaches, 4 cups of black
walnuts, one box of strawberry-banana gelatin, and three roses and two marigolds, for
color. If your soup is a bit runny add 2 cups of grits. If too thick, add 3 cups of grape
juice.” Hulia lifted the spoon to her guest, “Suzarrde, taste it.

“Suzarrde? ...Suzarrde? Someone help! I think she’s fainted. It’s these hot television
lights. I know that’s what it is. Suzardde? It appears joy has overcome our guest.”

Hulia kicked the fallen woman’s arm out of her way, approached the camera for the
show’s conclusion and with characteristic voice said, “Prepare this captivating feast for
friends and family and experience the same culinary revelation that I did. At first bite
there’s an ‘opening up of the soul and spirit.’ I’ve never been the same!” Gaping back
at the woman on the floor, she continued, “Neither will Suzarrde. Let Joy Soup bring
you the same epiphany. I promise it will overtake you.

“Until next time, this is Hulia Bile, bon appétit!”

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This article has been read 1419 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Pat Guy 05/25/06
You got me waaaay back at the finger skin. That was it for me!

Too funny on the Julia Childs and Suzanne Summers thing! Loved it!

Shock factor is great and fun! Like a rollowcoaster ride! Pure fun!
david grant05/26/06
This was a fun and original angle on the topic. Good job.
Lynda Schultz 05/26/06
I had a friend who always used to say that good food couldn't spoil good food — but I'm not so sure anymore! Great job.
Sherry Wendling05/26/06
Hee Haw! Wildly hilarious, a great spoof. Good ol' Julia always seemed as though she just MIGHT be this slap-happy off camera. I loved the end. "Epiphany," ha! Thanks for the belly-laugh!
Joanne Malley05/30/06
Pick me off the floor - I've fainted!! I'm goin' back in for that chocolate bar before it melts. It's waaaay to good to waste on that...that gut gurdling soup! Hysterical! Now, which way to the bathroom? Blessings, Jo
Lynda Lee Schab 05/30/06
Where are all the comments on this piece? When I saw Jo's post on the boards about this being a sick and twisted humor piece, you know I had to check it out - it sounded like my cup of tea (or is it, my cup of soup? LOL) You definitely delivered the goods! This was absolutely fantastic - clever and creative entry. Loved, loved, loved it.
Rachel Rudd 05/30/06
Very cute entry! Very disgusting soup! I liked the extreme measures taken to bring out the humor.
Birdie Courtright05/31/06
Yum... excuse me, I think I'm a little peaked here...I won't ever think of 'comfort food' in quite the same way! Too funny! Thanks for a great laugh! My Pastor just did a sermon on how food is not a source of joy, rather it is to be used as nutrition to energize the temple...I think you just made his point...in a twisted sort of way, I think I've got it now. Still, laughing so hard I can't breath!
darlene hight05/31/06
Somehow the Joy has gone out of my Almond Joy. Ewwww...this maybe just the catalyst that I need to slim down for the summer :>
Garnet Miller 06/01/06
How funny! I would be just like Suzarrde. I would be on the floor! Great story.
Rita Garcia06/05/06
Wow, Cassie, how did I miss this great read last week?
Creative and well written!
Jan Ackerson 07/27/06
Hi Cassie--I've just re-visited this hilarious piece, and I'd love to use it for the Front page Showcase for the week of August 28. Watch for it!
Rita Garcia08/31/06
Cassie, I am so glad this made it to the front page! I really enjoyed reading this delightful story!
Samuel Connelly09/01/06
I honestly laughed out loud. Very creative, I could see it as if a horrified viewer watching in shock, amazingment and demented saticfaction. I loved it. Great! Great! great! I am going to make myslef some now.
Jamie glaser09/01/06
this was discusting but pretty funny!!