The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
05/21/06
Hmmm. Maybe it's just me, but I thought the perfect place to end this story was on Laura's line: "It won't be easy to find someone to pick him up, either!" Everything said after that is already said in that one line...plus it's funny. Sorry...my morbid sense of humor has a tendency to rear it's ugly head now and then.
05/22/06
I agree with Joe; Laura is practically a caricature, and ending it with an unbelievably selfish utterance would really drive that home. Good writing skills here!
05/22/06
Good voice - good dialogue! You captured the dark side of Prosperity very well. Godd job of writing!
05/22/06
Welcome to the message boards! Isn't it fun getting a bit more feedback? I hope you'll be visiting with us a lot.

Now, about your story. This is indeed a dark side of prosperity, and you've written it well. Your characters are well-developed and you make a very good point. So I guess the thing to work on is tightening your point of view. There are a couple of spots that could be stronger. (Feel free to send me a private message if you'd like clarification.) Overall, this is quite good, and I'm looking forward to getting to know you on the boards.
This is excellent. Your characters were so believable, and th dilogue was great.
05/23/06
Well written look at the dark side of prosperity, good job.
05/23/06
Well done - gripping, and very sad.
05/23/06
You have a knack for writing believable conflict. The poor husband with the spoiled-rotton wife! The poor little boy with such a self-centered mother! Yet, you managed to get inside that wife-mother to make her arguments believable--at least from her perspective. Thank you for a good read!
Once again I have to wonder how people get to be so callous in the first place? It's a mystery to me. Good character development - I wanted to rescue little Jack somehow or else shake up his mom a bit. :-)

This did make me ponder my responsibilities towards people who are deluded with selfish ambition and wealth - and of course it always comes back to patience and love.
This started out really strong, with believable dialog (unfortunatly). The paragraph about God came accross a little preachy and forced, but otherwise well done!